this is what it feels like to be home again

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...not really caring about public embarrassment-- being too loud or too crazy or too strange-- ever again. because you speak the language and you understand the culture, and so nothing you do here can ever be more embarrassing than all the stupid things you did THERE. you are now immune to actual public humiliation.

mostly.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...you probably cry a lot more than is normal. you can't watch movies whenever anyone says goodbye to anyone else. this is both somewhat comforting (everyone thinks you're just crying over the animated character) and embarrassing (because, well, everyone thinks you're just crying over an animated character).

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...being frustratingly unable to communicate your thoughts in a logical fashion. i'm trying, really i am, but i just can't english right now.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...looking at old pictures and wondering sometimes if the whole entire year was a very elaborate and interesting dream. it feels so far away and separate from your life here.

...putting on a pair of boots and realizing that they've walked streets in paris and rome and venice.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...sometimes, you don't know who you are. because you were so different on exchange, and you FEEL different now, but people want you to be the person they remember.
and sometimes you are, and sometimes you aren't.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...recognizing that while some people 

didn't really notice you were gone,

there are some other people who care about you. a lot.

and you don't really know why, 

or how, or exactly when that happened,

only that they do.

...and it makes life easier.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...leaving one life and then creating a new one.

...having little pieces of that life somehow everywhere, in a lovely and scary way.

...learning to appreciate every moment that you have.

my first 100 days-- again

"and... i had two contrasting feelings. 

one was complete happiness, as if i was back in a comfortable place 

with people i knew and who knew me. 

the other feeling was complete and overwhelming homesickness. 

it was as if the two feelings were taking turns, 

and i was waiting to see which one would win." 

-- bloomability, sharon creech

my three-month theory about exchange -- the idea that after three months, you are exchanging "for real" and you are more than just a tourist-- isn't exactly a secret. that is, it's not anything particularly special or brilliant or life-changing. it's just a theory, a theory that happens to hold true for a lot of things; after 100 days (a little longer than three months), you have to change. 

and so i shouldn't have been surprised when, yesterday, i hit my one hundred days.

but i still was.

people laugh, sometimes, when i say that i'm homesick. they think i'm being funny on purpose. but the thing is-- i AM homesick. i'm homesick for places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i've loved, because to me switzerland is home. 

i'm sorry if that sounds ridiculously stupid.

(actually, i'm not sorry.)

(go on exchange yourself and then come back and tell me it sounds stupid to call your host country home. I DARE YOU.)

anyway.

at the same time, i love oregon. i never realized how much i HAD missed my life here until i came back... because here, as well, are places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i love. even though i hated the US when I first got back, coming home forced me to recognize that portland, oregon, is home as well.

and i've missed it.

more than eleven months ago, i was sitting on my bed exulting in the fact that i was finally more than a tourist. more than a visitor in a foreign land. more than some random weird crazy girl who didn't belong.

and now here i sit, and i'm posting this because i'm finally, finally, FINALLY more than a tourist. more than a visitor in my own land.

because finally i am someone who feels, 

in her own random weird crazy way, 

that she belongs.

days > 365 -- blooming

advice for future exchange students #29:

take time to bloom.

seriously. do what makes you happy,

but most importantly,

do what makes you grow and learn and change.

that's what matters.

(yes, i'm skipping ahead about 100 days from my most recent countdown update. explanation below.)

the last 100 days of my exchange were amazing... and i decided to prioritize enjoying my exchange, making memories, spending time with the people i care about, etc. which means that i neglected my blog.
for those of you who keep track of me via this blog, i'm really sorry-- but i did have amazing and wonderful experiences and i WILL share them! only, not exactly in real time. ;)

the sharp pain of goodbyes IS a real thing, and reverse culture shock is ALSO totally a real thing, and secondhomesickness/hostsickness is also a VERY. REAL. THING. but i'm learning, and i'm changing, and i like to believe that this is helping me to grow up. to "bloom", if you want to be super cheesy.

so, here's what Hannah has been doing in the past no-longer-blogging-days: (not chronologically)

• came home.
• said a lot of tearful goodbyes. my class, my families, my friends... i'm awful at goodbyes and prolonging them over a few weeks was not the best way to go. also, i cried for one and a half hours in my first flight to the US.
• saw The Fault In Our Stars in German. still have not seen it in english... hmmm...
• dreamed and is dreaming in Swiss German. still. :/
• went to summer camp.
• celebrated my bestie's birthday.
• went on a camping trip with my family (a very long one) and realized just how unused i am to road trips. TWO HOURS in the car?!? WHAT???
• went on an extended-family vacation at the beach. Oregon Coast, i have missed you.
• spoke Swiss German (hooray!) with the conference speaker at our beach vacation center. it blessed me so much and made me ridiculously happy. 
• went to my first American Rotary meeting in a year. it was amazing to realize just how much people in this group have invested in me and my exchange, and to get a chance to thank them for that. Rotary has problems sometimes, yes, but overall, it basically rocks.
• speaking of Rotary, our Rebound (returning exchange student) weekend finished today! I can't believe how much we've changed in the past year, and how much all of us have learned. it's probably one of the weirdest and yet most amazing shifts i've ever seen.
• and this year no longer terrifies me or worries me as much as it used to. because i am realizing how much more i am capable of.

that's it for now!

love love love,

hannah

how lucky i am

"how lucky i am to have something

that makes saying goodbye so hard."

--winnie the pooh

whenever people tell you why you should study abroad, they tell you the good things.
they tell you that you'll learn about yourself, that you'll speak a new language and adjust to a new culture.

but what they don't tell you is that it hurts.

sure, it hurts to be away from home and to bite the dust in language and to constantly embarrass yourself in foreign etiquette. that's normal. but it's not that bad.

what hurts is the missing. the countdown of days. the awareness that you will be both returning home and leaving home at the same time, the feeling of constantly saying goodbye, the knowledge that your year is about to end.

it is unpredictable, because it creeps up on you at strange times -- in math class, or lying awake at night, or walking through a crowded city street --  and it makes you frustrated, because you don't understand. you don't see how in less than 12 months, one can fall in love... not with a person or a thing, but with an entire country... and you are upset at yourself for not seeing it earlier. for not, somehow, avoiding this ache.

and yet you ask yourself if you would give up this year, this crazy tangled beautiful mess of a year full of excitement and disappointment and learning about yourself and making stupid mistakes and overdramatizing and having heart-to-heart talks and traveling and making memories and dreaming bigger than you've ever dreamed in your entire life...
no, you wouldn't. not really.


and because your goodbyes hurt,
because the thought of leaving is painful,
because this is so hard,

you realize
how lucky you really are.

my life as a disney movie: or, why exchange is basically exactly the same thing as tangled

1. When you live in your home country, life is good. you're busy, you're productive, you're successful by most normal standards.

and yet somehow you've always, just vaguely, wanted to know what the world is like. what things are different on the other side of the globe. what lies beyond the world you've always known.

2. a lot of people tell you life outside is dangerous. scary. life-threatening, even. they tell you they care about you and they don't want to see you fail. they tell you you are safe here, there is no reason to leave.

it scares you.

3.  at the same time, you feel ridiculously cool and exciting whenever you tell someone your plans for the next year. (yay! finally! plans!) 

i mean, look at how independent you are.

...most of the time.

4. as soon as that airplane door closes, you realize that you are actually really truly doing this. it is a feeling of exhilaration and terrifiedness at the same time.

but mostly terrifiedness.

5. when you first enter your host country, everything is exactly like you dreamed! it's wonderful and amazing and beautiful and AHHHHHHH. you're in heaven.

6. then, somewhere along the way, you start realizing the consequences of your decisions. your attitude changes five times approximately every two seconds. it's very dramatic.

7. you meet the rotarians. they are scary.

then you get over it and realize they've all got dreams too. language is different and culture is different, but people are simply people, all over the world. 

(hooray for disney bonding time.)

8. you meet a lot of wonderful people.

you see a lot of wonderful things.

and you fall in love with this country.

9. you realize that you have been somehow preparing for this all your life -- that your study abroad has crept into all parts of your existence and permeated it with the love of the unknown, the need for adventure.

you belong where you are unsafe and uncomfortable and awkward. you have made friends and lived through disaster and grown up a little more here. you've found that you are more capable than you know.

and most importantly,

adventures still lie ahead.

a little note for context:

my host family and i were watching Tangled (in German, it's called simply "Rapunzel") one weekend, and I realized just how much it mirrored my life on exchange. enjoy!

i am in love

note: the following post was written about a month ago in the train, but i didn't actually get around to posting it until just now. 

it's very short and also unedited, so just consider it a snapshot of my feelings at the moment.

I'm in the Gotthard Tunnel on a very long train ride, and I'm riding alone so I have plenty to write in my journal and plenty of time to do it. it's the nice thing about trains, the ability to always write and to lose yourself in writing. it's different from a plane or a bus or a car or really anything else. 

and i just realized something-- I am in love with the trains. 

I am in love with German and Italian and French. I am in love with chocolate and cheese and traveling and multilingual greetings and watches and history and snow. I am in love with strong mountains, fields that never end, villages nestled deep in valleys and streams bluer than the sky in summer. 

it's just wonderful, beautiful, and I realize that what I am really in love with is Switzerland. 

I am in love with this country.
and a part of my heart will always be here,
because Switzerland has changed me. 

and I don't want my old life back.

being an asian-american on exchange part II: assumptions, culture, and claiming myself

(the following pictures are from a chocolate factory
and have absolutely nothing to do with this post...)

since my last post, i've come to a realization.
i am dealing with nothing that i don't want, that i am unprepared for, or that i cannot handle.

i'm not.

yes, being asian american does cause problems for me that people don't think about. and yes, i've dealt with rudeness and ignorance and problems. and that sucks.

but guess what? every kid who comes on exchange needs to be prepared for that.

when I signed up for exchange, I didn't do so thinking it would be easy. In fact, I knew that it wouldn't be.
I knew that people would make assumptions about me and my life, simply because I did not belong in their country. I knew I would be answering thought-provoking, funny, and sometimes ignorant questions about how I lived, what I ate, who I was. I knew that I would be representing my culture alone in the middle of foreign life.

I just didn't realize that because of who I am, I would be representing two cultures and not one.

because I am American, people expect me to be American... but they also expect me to be Chinese. They want to ask what I know about America, but they also expect me to know about China and Asia in general and the culture and traditions and current events there.
I have always, always considered myself American and fully American. and I still do think of myself that way. but I've learned some surprising things about myself in the past couple months.

I've learned that I'm painfully un-American when it comes to popular culture, because I fail to recognize all but the most important names and faces. it's rather odd to see that my Swiss friend, who has never been to the USA in her entire life, is familiar with more American television and American movies and American pop stars than I am.
I've also learned that I'm much more Asian than I thought I was. I eat foods that my other American friends don't eat, I've grown up with both New Year celebrations, I even value slightly different things than they do.

I live my life in that strange place between cultures, 
too American to be typically Asian and too Asian to be typically American.

but I am from the USA, and culture mixing is normal.
I am normal. and it is ridiculous for me to be frustrated or upset or apologetic about it, because it is simply who I am and how I have grown up.

So what have I learned?

I have learned to assume the best from people. I have learned to let some things go. I have learned that uneducated people live all over the world, and I have learned not to take them all personally. I have learned that there is a difference between assumptions and genuine curiosity. I have learned to answer graciously. I have learned that laughter builds relationships faster than being offended does.

and all of this has made my exchange richer, it's made me adapt to my host country and my home
country, it's helped me gain a totally different perspective.

in fact, i wouldn't change it for the world.

being an asian-american on exchange: frustration, barriers, and defining me

As a US-American on exchange, I've had the opportunity to challenge a lot of common beliefs about my home country. I don't have a Southern accent, I'm not a cheerleader, I'm (relatively) intelligent. Most importantly, I'm Asian. As in Not White.

This has been really great in a lot of ways. Since Europeans know a lot about American culture but very little about Asian culture, it makes me feel foreign and interesting to explain Chinese New Year or to describe lion dancing. It's an extra bonus to be able to pretend I don't speak English, just so that the street vendors will go away and stop bothering me.

At the same time, though, I've gotten the most racist and ignorant questions and assumptions ever. Most of them make me laugh. Some of them make me sad. A few make me angry.

It was funny at the beginning to see people double-take at the news that I'm an American, and funnier still if they ended up complimenting my English. It was funny to explain that I don't speak fluent Chinese, neither do my parents, and yes, I am indeed an American citizen. It was funny to get questions about whether I was adopted or whether I'd be allowed to marry someone who wasn't Chinese.

But to be honest? Right now, I'm sick of it.

I'm sorry to put that out there, but it's true. I am sick of people constantly assuming I am from Japan or China or Korea (by the way, people, there ARE other Asian countries). I am sick of people insisting I tell them where I'm REALLY from. I'm sick of people who ask me if I want to go "back" to China, who ask me if I can see out of my eyes or if I can read Japanese and Korean and Thai or how I can tell Asians apart.

I just want to be treated like a real person.
Is that too much to ask?

And it bothers me, that I cannot simply float into Europe and fit in. That whenever I walk into a room, people immediately know that I am not originally Swiss, or German, or Italian, or French. That I have to try doubly hard to adapt and to fit in. That simply by right of birth, I have more cultural barriers to climb than most of the other American exchangers do.

But at the same time, I'm realizing how much I am defined by my heritage. My heritage, both Chinese and American.


The way I look tells people that I am Chinese. The way I speak tells people that I am American.
And I wish that people could see that it's not mutually exclusive. It is not that my family is Chinese and I am American, it is not that my language is English and my heritage Chinese, it is not that I am a twinkie or an egg or anything divided by color or race or country.

it is that I am Asian AND American, and I am still a person.

It is simply that I am who I am. 
Hannah.
and I wish that people could see that.

einwanderungsinitiative: what an apple tree means to me as ausländerin

in the past couple of months, i've seen a ton of political posters.

this isn't unusual, because Switzerland is a country of "half-direct democracy". As such, it provides the opportunity for a person or political party to propose a change to the Bundesverfassung (Swiss Federal Constitution). After the proposal, they have 18 months to collect 100,000 Swiss signatures-- no small feat when you consider that Switzerland only consists of 8,112,000 citizens, meaning a significant percentage of them have to agree and sign the petition.
If they collect enough, the proposal goes federal and becomes a "popular initiative", which can officially be voted on by all Swiss citizens. These votes are counted by canton (much like USAmerican votes are counted by state) and the majority wins.

This also means that it's in each party's best interest to keep the people informed about the initiatives and to convince them to vote a certain way. Political posters are everywhere-- in gardens, on fences, by the bus stop, in the train station-- normally featuring the name or symbol of the initiative and a big "JA" or "NEIN" telling you what to vote. After a while, you get used to it and sort of stop paying attention.

Which means that I didn't realize how relevant this particular poster was until I'd seen it for the twentieth time.

What the Swiss people are now voting about is whether or not to set a limit on Masseneinwanderung. Translation: limiting Immigration with a capital I. limiting those people working, learning, starting businesses, getting jobs in Switzerland.
people who are not Swiss.

 As a nation, Switzerland is a sort of island in the middle of Europe. It's not part of the EU, it stubbornly sticks to its own governmental system and its own shops and its own currency and its own schools and its own variation of language and millions of things more. The Swiss are incredibly patriotic, with dozens of traditions that vary by canton, city, and village.

But. There are foreigners.

Foreigners basically means "anyone who is not Swiss and/or hasn't got a family tree with at least two generations living in Switzerland and/or cannot speak perfect Swiss German". Foreigner means someone who somehow does not belong.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing. I've gotten some wonderful people who like the USA and are interested in it, or better yet, people who like me as a person and are interested in me, not my country. The people here are welcoming, especially if you make an effort to speak German or Swiss German, and friendly. Most of them are happy that a little American girl is trying to learn their language and adapt to their culture. But every so often, I am forced to remember that I am not Swiss.

You see, Swiss like to organize things. Everything, from buses to chocolates to schoolwork, is carefully ordered and put in place. But the problem is that here, there are often only two categories of people: Swiss and Non-Swiss. Swiss people get the chance to vote, to sign petitions, to launch initiatives and referendums. Non-Swiss people do not. Whenever someone who is Swiss gets into trouble and makes the newspapers, he is just a person. Whenever someone who is Non-Swiss gets into trouble and makes the newspapers, he is one of those Non-Swiss People. The People's Party noted that “Switzerland has serious problems with immigration… Almost half of the crimes committed in Switzerland are carried out by foreigners.” (Um. and what about the other half?) Some Swiss people appear to live in the fear that one day they will wake up to find that Switzerland is no longer Swiss.

And really, that's what makes me unhappy. living in Switzerland as an exchange student, I don't care about bilateral strategy or economic decline. I don't care about the job market or about Swiss vs. EU passports. And maybe that makes me ignorant, or inexperienced, or simply just naive.
Because what I care about is my, and others', rights to be acknowledged. As more than categories, as more than stereotypes, and as more than Swiss/Non-Swiss.

What I care about is my right to be seen, as a person.
not just as an Ausländerin.

one last thought on swiss school: a story

note: at the end of the semester, i saw something that made me think about the exact impact of swiss high school on my friends. hopefully it'll make you think about it too.

---

one girl in my class has worked ridiculously hard to stay in school. she's studied french and english and even italian as a free subject. it meant so much to her to be in our class, and yet her grades were teetering on the edge. we'd done the math, and so as we all walked into english class and the teacher started announcing the scores, we also knew that this grade was the one that mattered. this grade was the one that would tip the balance.

it sounds funny, even a little ridiculous that so much drama should be attached to one small grade. but it wasn't just a grade-- if her grade was insufficient, she'd have to leave school. she couldn't come back in january, and she'd have to wait till summer and repeat the whole year.

there was complete silence when our teacher got to her name. a group of students gathered around her chair, waiting and hoping and dreading at the same time.

and then our teacher announced the grade, and it was enough. the girl was staying.
she'd made it.

there was a brief pause and then everyone started screaming and hugging her and screaming again and jumping up and down and shouting congratulations. it was crazy, all seventeen of us freaking out over a tiny number on a piece of paper.

so then i looked over at the girl. she was completely silent, speechless, sitting in her chair.

she had the biggest smile i've ever seen,

and tears were running down her face.

thoughts on american, european, and home school

so recently i've been getting a rather frustrating amount of college-related emails. while it's nice to know that they're interested in me (nothing like being wanted) it's a bit overwhelming to realize that i will have to be going home and making school-related decisions AGAIN in about 6 months.

::sigh::

with that in mind, i thought i'd give you a quick glimpse into the three types of school systems i've now gotten the change to see... homeschool, american public school, and swiss school. 

WARNING. THIS IS A LONG AND NERDY POST. (punctuated by random pictures of a french castle. you know, just for variation.)

a lot of you reading my blog know this already, but i've been homeschooled for most of my life. contrary to popular belief, this does not mean that i have no social life or that i am only at home with my parents and siblings all day. in general, i take multiple different classes (spanish, art, literature, writing, debate, science, etc.) outside of the house... there are two or three hours of teaching or lectures weekly and then a lot of homework that's assigned over the rest of the week. so yes, i'm homeschooled, but yes, i have friends. :)

the benefits of homeschooling for me were multiple. 

firstly, i've gotten to "squish" my education around in a way that other kids normally don't-- freshman year of high school i wrote, printed, and sold an advice book, sophomore year i participated in debate club and applied to rotary exchange, and this year i'm spending in switzerland. all in all, not a bad combination.

more importantly, i've become fairly independent. while i may not be an adult yet, i'm pretty self-motivated when it comes to schoolwork and projects and learning things, plus i've learned to be annoyingly persistent. this means that school in general isn't a huge struggle for me... i know what to expect from myself and how hard i need to work in order to get results.

that said, i do wish i'd been more prepared for the world around me. my parents have always encouraged me to ask questions, but unfortunately i can't say that for the homeschooling sphere in general. we might not like to admit it, but homeschoolers (and the conservative church, which is pretty related where i'm from) can be judgmental, closed-minded, and shockingly unwilling to challenge their own beliefs. this was really frustrating for me at the beginning of my year.

most of the kids from the usa that are here were enrolled in american high school. contrary to homeschooler belief, this is not the root of all evils. i promise. 

in my opinion, there are benefits (schedule and structure, more people, school clubs and teams and extracurriculars) that i definitely missed out on. as a homeschooler, i think i've been sheltered to a lot of the world, and so my first few months here were partly spent being surprised haha.

at the same time, there are other factors that i gladly skipped. peer pressure, a bazillion people per classroom, drama, etc., etc., etc. i'm not going to pass judgement on something i don't have personal experience with, but i know people who've gone and stated they were unhappy with the American high school system in general.

swiss high school, at first glance, seems like the solution to everything. when i first got here, i was amazed at the differences... at 16, you have the option of either working as an apprentice or continuing with school. every kid has to make a certain grade point average to stay in the class, and so consequently everyone who's there actually wants to be there. kids study and worry about grades and pay attention in class, simply because that is the way the system works. if you don't want to go, you drop out and start working. it's simple as that, and the benefits are obvious.

what i didn't realize then was that sometimes, school causes problems. there are some kids in my class who are naturally smart and almost never show up in class, and then magically have good grades. there are others who have to work extremely hard and yet still have bad grades. and that isn't fair, that isn't right, and it makes me upset. yet it's the only thing that my classmates have known.

what do you think?

days > 150 -- understanding

piece of advice for future exchange students #19:

open your eyes to the world around you,

the culture around you,

the people around you.

so lately i've been realizing just how much my worldview has expanded in the past 5 months.

you see, when i left i thought i had a pretty good window on the world. i challenged my own beliefs and i asked questions and i pushed myself to find out more. but what i didn't quite realize was just HOW small my world really was. 

being on my own here has caused me to rethink the things that i was taught about groups of people, and to realize that stereotypes do have a beginning, and lots of people fit them -- but stereotypes are not the same as labels. stereotypes are only supposed to be a base, a sort of "general idea" of what a person is like. but labels are like sorting individuals into a box and only picking the boxes you like.

the thing is,

people aren't boxes.

things i've done in the past 10ish days:

• moved host families! now I live in Bottmingen.
• i also managed to pack my entire life into several suitcases and fit them all into the back of my host family's car. i am very proud of myself, considering that i've accumulated an astonishing amount of stuff in the past 5 months. i am trying not to think about packing to go home...
• i miss my old family.
• the outbound candidates from my sponsoring district (5100) had their first orientation! while this doesn't count as "things i've done" exaactlyyy, i have to say that this brought back memories galore. i can't believe that only a year ago, my country choices were undecided and i didn't even know if i would get to go on exchange. how crazy is life?
• started school. yay?
• celebrated new year's in Europapark with my first host family!! it was wonderful.
• also I discovered that my tolerance for highspeed, highscarelevel rides is a lot better than I expected. Which means that my next destination when I get home is Disneyland. anyone want to come? ;)

tschüssli,

hannah

new beginnings

"for last year's words 

belong to last year's language

and next year's words

await another voice"

-- ts eliot

“write it on your heart 

that every day 

is the best day in the year.”

 -- ralph waldo emerson

i've spent almost five months in switzerland today. 

the oldies are leaving in less than a week.

the newbies are arriving just after that.

it's crazy, unbelievably crazy, and it makes my head spin to think that so much can happen in just five months.

you can learn a language,

and adopt a family,

and adapt to a culture,

and learn to LIVE in a country that is not your own.

in just five months.

and every day i realize again just how much i have learned, just how much i have left to learn, and just how many days i have left to do it.

there are plenty of resolutions to improve upon... study german, read more, stop eating so much chocolate, send more letters home... and yes, those things are important. 

but to me, the new year isn't so much about improving as beginning anew.

so here is my resolution for the new year:

seize the moment.

seize the day.

seize every little amount of time that's been given to me, every opportunity that lies in my path, every blessing that comes into my life.

every new beginning.

because in the end, we don't have that much time.

so i want to make the most of it.

days > 130 -- celebrating

today i remember and celebrate:
the story that started at the beginning of time and lasts for eternity,
the gift that is completely undeserved and unreasonable, and yet given anyway,
the light that shines in the middle of darkness,
the love for a people who were so broken that they are incapable of truly loving,
the life that once gone, lives again and conquers death for all time,

the hope that is given to stay with us,
to be our light and our love and our life
forever.

wherever you are, whatever you call home, in whichever language you speak:
merry, merry christmas.

on the twelfth day of christmas

on the twelfth day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

love for the present

questions to answer

more independence 

long christmas dinners

swiss weihnachtsmärkte

seven for a family

six lovely months

five languages

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

(and with this post, it draws to an end... )

one of the most important things i've learned here is to live in the present. life is so different when you know that you will only be spending a year somewhere-- relationships are built faster, people change quicker, adventures are made instantly because you know, you KNOW that this time does not last forever.

and that is sad.
but because it doesn't,

it gives you all the more reason to make the most of the time you have.

i have to say that i rely on the "extra" time i have all the time when i'm at home. i say i'll do or make or see something when i'm older, or when i have more time, or when i have more money. and it is easy to say because i know that there is a possibility.

but when i am here, that possibility does not exist.

even when i grow up and if i come back, i will never have a year quite like this again.
it makes me laugh that i had to come all the way to Switzerland to realize this. and yet it's true. i shouldn't base everything on saving money, or on being successful, or on saving time. 

because yes, those are important. but often we place way too much value on them. 

more than they are really worth.

because memories, and relationships, and growth, are also worth a lot.

and so i've learned to live in the moment.

to make every effort i can.

to bloom.

on the eleventh day of christmas

on the eleventh day of christmas
my exchange gave to me

questions to answer more independence long christmas dinners swiss weihnachtsmärkte seven for a family six lovely months five languages four advent days three families two traditions and a new look at bloomability

so one thing that exchange has taught me is that i need to question things. i need to question the things that i have always taken for granted, that have always been a part of me. because other people see the world differently. and meeting those people causes me to get a new perspective on how our world works.

i come from a homeschooled-christian-rightwing sort of environment (although my family has always, always encouraged me to ask questions and challenge them), and so i've been taught ABOUT the world. but that doesn't mean at all that i am an expert on it.

the problem is, reading books about bikes and wind current and the structure of the wheel only gets you so far-- eventually you have to learn to ride the bike yourself, without help.

and it works the same way with the world.

i've met gays and mormons and atheists and catholics and liberals and conservatives now, and what's more i am friends with them. i am friends with them, and they are forcing me to ask questions. i believe in my faith, and i support it fully, but i have to ask myself what to do. how to respond when the world hits me.

and so far i haven't figured out that much that is black and white, exactly right or exactly wrong all the time.

but the one thing that i realize is that at the core,

we are all people.

and meeting these people gives me questions to ask,

and that is okay.

on the tenth day of christmas

on the tenth day of christmas

 my exchange gave to me
new independence
long christmas dinners
swiss weihnachtsmärkte
seven for a family
six lovely months
five languages

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

so here we are. thank goodness this series is almost done, because i'm running out of things that fit into 5 syllables...

one of the main things that i've realized is that i am way, way more capable than i thought i was. in fact, i am way, way more capable than i think i am right now. living abroad has stretched and grown me in tons of ways that i would never have dreamed of at home. 

and before i know what i can do, or even if i think i already know, i can always try.

i remember people asking me last august if i felt ready to go on exchange. my answer then was no.

and you know what? i didn't feel ready. i didn't feel prepared to spend a year abroad, learning a new language. i didn't feel capable enough to live on my own and figure out culture and values and country differences by myself.

but i was.

because i tried.

and being on exchange has caused me to recognize that lots of times, i don't feel ready. i don't feel prepared. i don't feel capable.

but i am.

i just have to try.

on the fourth day of christmas

 on the fourth day of christmas

 my exchange gave to me

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

so the reason i haven't been posting as much is because, well, life.

but seriously, christmastime is crazy. and yet for some reason, it doesn't feel "christmasy" to me... I'm not sure if it's the lack of christmas music, or the fact that lights aren't a big display here, or what. but there is something missing from christmas. hopefully i'll find it by the 25th.

anyway... advent...

people celebrate advent in the USA too, but i remember it being more of a religious thing and not very widely celebrated. it involves lighting a candle every sunday until Christmas, and looking forward to Christmas day, rather like a very long drawnout version of the countdown on TV right before they show the Super Bowl. like "hey, look, we all want to go ahead and celebrate Christmas but it's too early so I guess we'll settle for lighting this purple candle."

but here it is celebrated. my host family has the tradition of giving each child a small present every sunday. other families have daily advent calendars. other families read a prayer and light the candle in a small ceremony of celebratory-ness.

(what is that? not exactly celebration -- celebrationess? celebratorianism?)

and it is sweet, and quiet. that's the thing that defines advent for me, i suppose-- it is not exciting, like Christmas Eve, or loud, like New Year's, or bright, like Easter and Christmas. it is still. peaceful. 

it is not a festivity in and of itself as much as it is the celebration of what is to come.

on the second day of christmas

on the second day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

one thing that I've never realized about Christmas is just how BIG of a deal it is for us in America. There are songs and the shopping and the lights and the carolers... they're all little things, things that seem really everyday at home. Normal, Christmasy things.
but then when they are no longer there, you end up wondering vaguely what's missing.
and so I have to say it: I miss Christmas. I miss American Christmas.

but the thing is...
at the same time I am yearning for the Christmas I know, the Christmas I have always known, I am learning to appreciate and love European Christmases, too. There are snowfilled villages and cookies and Christmas markets and songs in French and German and Italian. And that has also become a normal Christmas for me.

And it makes me wonder if I will always, after this, be missing both traditions. If I will always be remembering both types of Christmases. If I will always have a part of me that celebrates in both countries.
And if so,
what will that be like?

on the first day of christmas

on the first day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

a new look at bloomability

one thing i've learned about exchange is that, well, it changes you. it changes you in a lot of ways.
most recently, i've been struck with the amount of things that my exchange has given me. yeah, it hasn't always been easy or fun, but it's blessed me with a lot already.
and what better time to realize and give thanks for your blessings than christmas time?
so in the next 12 days (countdown till christmas) i'm going to be sharing a picture and listing a short something that my exchange has given me and why. hope you enjoy it. :)

(note: so because my dad happens to be a professor at Multnomah, I guess I can't really get away without a short explanation... for all you church-history people, yes, technically the 12 days of christmas were between Christmas and Epiphany. This means that they were not before the 25th, but after it... 
that said, i don't want to blog through my christmas break, so i am doing it now and putting my own spin on the "12 days" song [which, really, wasn't necessarily that spiritual or church-history related to begin with anyway]. let christmas countdowns begin.)