this is what it feels like to be home again

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...not really caring about public embarrassment-- being too loud or too crazy or too strange-- ever again. because you speak the language and you understand the culture, and so nothing you do here can ever be more embarrassing than all the stupid things you did THERE. you are now immune to actual public humiliation.

mostly.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...you probably cry a lot more than is normal. you can't watch movies whenever anyone says goodbye to anyone else. this is both somewhat comforting (everyone thinks you're just crying over the animated character) and embarrassing (because, well, everyone thinks you're just crying over an animated character).

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...being frustratingly unable to communicate your thoughts in a logical fashion. i'm trying, really i am, but i just can't english right now.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...looking at old pictures and wondering sometimes if the whole entire year was a very elaborate and interesting dream. it feels so far away and separate from your life here.

...putting on a pair of boots and realizing that they've walked streets in paris and rome and venice.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...sometimes, you don't know who you are. because you were so different on exchange, and you FEEL different now, but people want you to be the person they remember.
and sometimes you are, and sometimes you aren't.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...recognizing that while some people 

didn't really notice you were gone,

there are some other people who care about you. a lot.

and you don't really know why, 

or how, or exactly when that happened,

only that they do.

...and it makes life easier.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...leaving one life and then creating a new one.

...having little pieces of that life somehow everywhere, in a lovely and scary way.

...learning to appreciate every moment that you have.

my first 100 days-- again

"and... i had two contrasting feelings. 

one was complete happiness, as if i was back in a comfortable place 

with people i knew and who knew me. 

the other feeling was complete and overwhelming homesickness. 

it was as if the two feelings were taking turns, 

and i was waiting to see which one would win." 

-- bloomability, sharon creech

my three-month theory about exchange -- the idea that after three months, you are exchanging "for real" and you are more than just a tourist-- isn't exactly a secret. that is, it's not anything particularly special or brilliant or life-changing. it's just a theory, a theory that happens to hold true for a lot of things; after 100 days (a little longer than three months), you have to change. 

and so i shouldn't have been surprised when, yesterday, i hit my one hundred days.

but i still was.

people laugh, sometimes, when i say that i'm homesick. they think i'm being funny on purpose. but the thing is-- i AM homesick. i'm homesick for places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i've loved, because to me switzerland is home. 

i'm sorry if that sounds ridiculously stupid.

(actually, i'm not sorry.)

(go on exchange yourself and then come back and tell me it sounds stupid to call your host country home. I DARE YOU.)

anyway.

at the same time, i love oregon. i never realized how much i HAD missed my life here until i came back... because here, as well, are places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i love. even though i hated the US when I first got back, coming home forced me to recognize that portland, oregon, is home as well.

and i've missed it.

more than eleven months ago, i was sitting on my bed exulting in the fact that i was finally more than a tourist. more than a visitor in a foreign land. more than some random weird crazy girl who didn't belong.

and now here i sit, and i'm posting this because i'm finally, finally, FINALLY more than a tourist. more than a visitor in my own land.

because finally i am someone who feels, 

in her own random weird crazy way, 

that she belongs.