dreams, doubt, and saying goodbye

just because something is a bloomability does not mean that it comes without its fair share of doubt.

when you sign up for exchange, they tell you about the best things. all the places you'll go. all the sights you'll see. all the friends you'll make. and i think that's true, every word of it, because exchange sounds amazing.

but they never mention what you'll be missing.

because when you sign up for a year, you may not exactly realize that you're going to be gone for, well, a year. there's a lot that can happen in a year, you know. people change, and places change, and friendships change. you gain a lot on your exchange year, but you will also be giving up quite a bit.
the more time i spend with my friends, the more i realize that this is a place where i belong. and that i will be leaving it behind once i leave. and that i will never quite be in this same spot again.

it's odd to think that high school goes so fast. i thought it lasted forever, and here i am, halfway through, doing something i would never have seen myself doing two years ago. it makes me feel very old and very young at the same time.

a few months ago i said goodbye to my normal school friends and classes and activities. there was the usual hugging and exchanging of email addresses and promises to stay in touch.
but it was different this time.
because every time someone said "will i see you next year" the answer wasn't "yes" or "maybe".
the answer was "no".
"no" because i am going on exchange. and at the end of the summer when you are buying notebooks and pencils and folders and stepping onto the bus for school, i will be buying my ticket and stepping onto a plane for another country.

and every time i look at a calendar, i remember:
in less than 10 days, i will be separated from my friends and family and everything that is safe and comfortable.
in less than 10 days i will be flying across the ocean toward my new country, toward my new family, toward my new home.
in less than 10 days, i will be gone.

days < 60 -- counting

piece of advice for future outbounds #1:

keep track of how much time you have before you go--and make the most of it.

so today i checked my fancy little countdown timer and my mind was blown again.
it has a habit of doing that.
particularly when i check that timer.

so i probably shouldn't be surprised.
except that i still am.

things to celebrate in the past 10 days:

• my show ended! well, not that I'm happy it ended--the finality of show run and strike is always bittersweet--but i'm so glad I got to participate in one last journey theater show before i leave. these people are amazing and i'm so blessed to be with them.
• and my swing dance class ended too. I've enjoyed this class more than i expected, and i'm now officially addicted to swing dancing. (funny story: I was doing the shim sham at the bus stop near an intersection. it was about 11am and as one guy drove by he stuck his head out the window, took his eyes completely off the road, and gave me a "what-on-earth-is-that-crazy-girl-doing-and-why-isn't-she-in-school-and-is-she-actually-dancing-and-she-must-be-homeschooled" look. luckily there were no accidents. it totally made my day.)
• I made it past Rosetta German level 1. seriously, I thought the milestone would never end. but anyhow, I'm very proud of myself. now I only have four more levels left to go... (there are four units per level and four lessons per unit and an average of seven sections per lesson, so however many that is. I can't add right now, it's too late at night.)
• the Swiss Rotary is applying for my GA card, which is a train pass that allows me to ride public transit for free. This is probably one of my favorite things about Switzerland :)
• school is over! I still have review math to do, but I'm officially finished with most of my other classes so I consider summer to have begun.

and, now that summer has begun, I'm making a list of things to do this summer before I leave. some of the things on my list are serious (volunteer at camp and impact at least one kid's life) and some of them are not-so-serious (be in a flash mob).

got any ideas for me?

countdown

this is a countdown timer to when I will be halfway across the world.

surreal

"It seemed that all around me was a smooth bubble, clear enough to see through, but strong enough to keep me inside... I imagined pores in this bubble ball that could let in streams of things from the outside, so I could examine them and poke them back out again if I didn't like them..."

--Bloomability, Sharon Creech

i've just come home from the rotary district conference, where everything was new and we were feeling the same things and learning the same things and ready to travel the world. but now, i sit here in my house with everything familiar around me, and i wonder what exactly i think i am doing.

because in less than 80 days now, i will be in switzerland.

i will be in another country with foreign languages spoken all around me.

i will be living with another family.

i will be without the friends i know now and the schedules i have here.

i will be halfway around the world.

for a year.

and yet, as close as it is, i somehow can't seem to make it feel true. i know that it's coming, and i know that i don't have much time left. as ridiculous as it sounds, i feel like i'm going to wake up any minute now. 

it's just that everything feels so distant. i know that there have been hundreds, thousands, of exchange students before me. i know that they have done this before. but somehow their world seems so far away from mine.

so very very far away.