how lucky i am

"how lucky i am to have something

that makes saying goodbye so hard."

--winnie the pooh

whenever people tell you why you should study abroad, they tell you the good things.
they tell you that you'll learn about yourself, that you'll speak a new language and adjust to a new culture.

but what they don't tell you is that it hurts.

sure, it hurts to be away from home and to bite the dust in language and to constantly embarrass yourself in foreign etiquette. that's normal. but it's not that bad.

what hurts is the missing. the countdown of days. the awareness that you will be both returning home and leaving home at the same time, the feeling of constantly saying goodbye, the knowledge that your year is about to end.

it is unpredictable, because it creeps up on you at strange times -- in math class, or lying awake at night, or walking through a crowded city street --  and it makes you frustrated, because you don't understand. you don't see how in less than 12 months, one can fall in love... not with a person or a thing, but with an entire country... and you are upset at yourself for not seeing it earlier. for not, somehow, avoiding this ache.

and yet you ask yourself if you would give up this year, this crazy tangled beautiful mess of a year full of excitement and disappointment and learning about yourself and making stupid mistakes and overdramatizing and having heart-to-heart talks and traveling and making memories and dreaming bigger than you've ever dreamed in your entire life...
no, you wouldn't. not really.


and because your goodbyes hurt,
because the thought of leaving is painful,
because this is so hard,

you realize
how lucky you really are.

days > 230 -- closing

piece of advice for future exchange students #27:
for me, a countdown to my return helps. for others, it doesn't.
that doesn't matter so much, though.
because in the end it isn't about counting the last days,
but about making the last days count.

as of right now (the 23rd of April, because I'm really really bad at posting updates regularly), my return date is still mostly a secret. what I will say is that i'm coming home in less than 100 days, and it is crazy for me to think about.

i do want to go back.

i don't want to leave.

things that happened in the 10ish days before I was SUPPOSED to post this update:

• arranged a Glacier Express trip. a group of us exchangers basically rode a train through the mountains for 5 and a half hours together. it was fun.
• I went away for the weekend with my second host family! we went to Splüger, in Graubünden (the eastish side of Switzerland). It was lovely.
• my second host family is extremely traditional-Swiss in that they're organized and punctual and appreciate very Swiss things :) so it was a nice cultural-vacation too. We went sledding, visited two cheese factories (also a post to come about that, hopefully), hiked through the mountains, etc., etc. .
• oh yes. I ate a lot of fresh cheese. if you've never had fresh cheese, I recommend it simply as an experience worth having. :)
• watched Die Physiker, a show thing at my school. One of my classmates was in it. both he and the show were wonderful.
• a couple months ago my art project was nominated for an international comics-festival in Luzern, so I went to that. it was exciting to see my comic with the top 20 out of more than 700 entries, haha.
• art is a universal language.
• it was nice to be reminded of that.

love,

han