questions i've been asked recently, part iii: what i say and what i mean

How was your trip?
what i say: "it was great!"
what i mean: "it was not a trip. it was home. it was my life for an entire year. it was not a trip. why are you saying it's a trip."
"oh wait, i'm probably overreacting to this."
"i'm sorry."
"well, anyway, it was fantastic."

Do you miss Switzerland?
what i say: "yes. so much."
(and then i laugh and change the subject.)
what i mean: "there are no words to describe it. there aren't. and i miss it and i don't want to miss it because it hurts so much and so i'm dealing with this by not talking about it so let's not talk about it."
"except i do. want to talk about it, i mean."
"i just, i'm not sure if you're okay with me melting into a puddle right here."

tell me something about your exchange year!
what i say: (laughing) "gosh, where to start... what do you want to know about?"
what i mean: "ahhhhh you are amazing."
"wait. do you actually want to hear all this?"
"are you sure?"
"are you really really sure?"
 "...and do you have seven hours to spend listening to me ramble?"

why didn't you respond to my emails/letters/texts?
what i say: "um."
what i mean: "gahhhhhh I AM SO SORRY. seriously, i am the worst long-distance communicator in the history of ever. this does not mean that you don't matter-- on the contrary, it means that you matter very much (because i'm talking to you now) and that once again i've proven my ability to lose contact with multiple people in a very short time. i'm really, really sorry and i love you very much. let's have a conversation right now."

I speak German too!
what i say: "that's awesome! where did you learn it?"
what i mean: "you are now my new favorite person. can we go talk in a corner? or actually can you just speak german to me for the next three days because i miss the sound of this language so much and i'm super afraid of losing it forever and i'm resorting to children's cartoons on youtube JUST so i can hear german again..."

::sighs:: ah, Switzerland. the most beautiful place in the world, isn't it?
what i say: "yes."
"yes it is."
what i mean: "yes."
"yes it is."

i am in love

note: the following post was written about a month ago in the train, but i didn't actually get around to posting it until just now. 

it's very short and also unedited, so just consider it a snapshot of my feelings at the moment.

I'm in the Gotthard Tunnel on a very long train ride, and I'm riding alone so I have plenty to write in my journal and plenty of time to do it. it's the nice thing about trains, the ability to always write and to lose yourself in writing. it's different from a plane or a bus or a car or really anything else. 

and i just realized something-- I am in love with the trains. 

I am in love with German and Italian and French. I am in love with chocolate and cheese and traveling and multilingual greetings and watches and history and snow. I am in love with strong mountains, fields that never end, villages nestled deep in valleys and streams bluer than the sky in summer. 

it's just wonderful, beautiful, and I realize that what I am really in love with is Switzerland. 

I am in love with this country.
and a part of my heart will always be here,
because Switzerland has changed me. 

and I don't want my old life back.

days > 190 -- enjoying

piece of advice for future exchange students #23:

sometimes, life turns out to be pretty amazing.

love it to the utmost.

(also, sleeping is mostly optional.)

things that i've done in the last 10ish days:

• TESSIN TESSIN TESSIN
• oh, okay. Tessin/Ticino is the Italian part of Switzerland. it is the most beautiful part ever. and my friend Sarah's host family has a vacation house there and they invited me to stay with them for three days!!! and basically it was wonderful and beautiful and I am in love with Italian.
• deep talks till 2am = happiness. (yes. that is indeed what we did every night. it was good.)
• met all the newbies at Engelberg weekend! that was fun. I love aussies. and kiwis. and our newbie latinos. 
• Engelberg weekend. smiles for days. 
• ...and probably one of the best weekends I've had this far, simply because by this time we're all friends. No, by this time we're basically family. a sometimes-difficult, sometimes-confusing, full-of-differences family... but a family nonetheless.

one last thought on swiss school: a story

note: at the end of the semester, i saw something that made me think about the exact impact of swiss high school on my friends. hopefully it'll make you think about it too.

---

one girl in my class has worked ridiculously hard to stay in school. she's studied french and english and even italian as a free subject. it meant so much to her to be in our class, and yet her grades were teetering on the edge. we'd done the math, and so as we all walked into english class and the teacher started announcing the scores, we also knew that this grade was the one that mattered. this grade was the one that would tip the balance.

it sounds funny, even a little ridiculous that so much drama should be attached to one small grade. but it wasn't just a grade-- if her grade was insufficient, she'd have to leave school. she couldn't come back in january, and she'd have to wait till summer and repeat the whole year.

there was complete silence when our teacher got to her name. a group of students gathered around her chair, waiting and hoping and dreading at the same time.

and then our teacher announced the grade, and it was enough. the girl was staying.
she'd made it.

there was a brief pause and then everyone started screaming and hugging her and screaming again and jumping up and down and shouting congratulations. it was crazy, all seventeen of us freaking out over a tiny number on a piece of paper.

so then i looked over at the girl. she was completely silent, speechless, sitting in her chair.

she had the biggest smile i've ever seen,

and tears were running down her face.

days > 130 -- celebrating

today i remember and celebrate:
the story that started at the beginning of time and lasts for eternity,
the gift that is completely undeserved and unreasonable, and yet given anyway,
the light that shines in the middle of darkness,
the love for a people who were so broken that they are incapable of truly loving,
the life that once gone, lives again and conquers death for all time,

the hope that is given to stay with us,
to be our light and our love and our life
forever.

wherever you are, whatever you call home, in whichever language you speak:
merry, merry christmas.

on the twelfth day of christmas

on the twelfth day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

love for the present

questions to answer

more independence 

long christmas dinners

swiss weihnachtsmärkte

seven for a family

six lovely months

five languages

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

(and with this post, it draws to an end... )

one of the most important things i've learned here is to live in the present. life is so different when you know that you will only be spending a year somewhere-- relationships are built faster, people change quicker, adventures are made instantly because you know, you KNOW that this time does not last forever.

and that is sad.
but because it doesn't,

it gives you all the more reason to make the most of the time you have.

i have to say that i rely on the "extra" time i have all the time when i'm at home. i say i'll do or make or see something when i'm older, or when i have more time, or when i have more money. and it is easy to say because i know that there is a possibility.

but when i am here, that possibility does not exist.

even when i grow up and if i come back, i will never have a year quite like this again.
it makes me laugh that i had to come all the way to Switzerland to realize this. and yet it's true. i shouldn't base everything on saving money, or on being successful, or on saving time. 

because yes, those are important. but often we place way too much value on them. 

more than they are really worth.

because memories, and relationships, and growth, are also worth a lot.

and so i've learned to live in the moment.

to make every effort i can.

to bloom.

on the eleventh day of christmas

on the eleventh day of christmas
my exchange gave to me

questions to answer more independence long christmas dinners swiss weihnachtsmärkte seven for a family six lovely months five languages four advent days three families two traditions and a new look at bloomability

so one thing that exchange has taught me is that i need to question things. i need to question the things that i have always taken for granted, that have always been a part of me. because other people see the world differently. and meeting those people causes me to get a new perspective on how our world works.

i come from a homeschooled-christian-rightwing sort of environment (although my family has always, always encouraged me to ask questions and challenge them), and so i've been taught ABOUT the world. but that doesn't mean at all that i am an expert on it.

the problem is, reading books about bikes and wind current and the structure of the wheel only gets you so far-- eventually you have to learn to ride the bike yourself, without help.

and it works the same way with the world.

i've met gays and mormons and atheists and catholics and liberals and conservatives now, and what's more i am friends with them. i am friends with them, and they are forcing me to ask questions. i believe in my faith, and i support it fully, but i have to ask myself what to do. how to respond when the world hits me.

and so far i haven't figured out that much that is black and white, exactly right or exactly wrong all the time.

but the one thing that i realize is that at the core,

we are all people.

and meeting these people gives me questions to ask,

and that is okay.

on the tenth day of christmas

on the tenth day of christmas

 my exchange gave to me
new independence
long christmas dinners
swiss weihnachtsmärkte
seven for a family
six lovely months
five languages

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

so here we are. thank goodness this series is almost done, because i'm running out of things that fit into 5 syllables...

one of the main things that i've realized is that i am way, way more capable than i thought i was. in fact, i am way, way more capable than i think i am right now. living abroad has stretched and grown me in tons of ways that i would never have dreamed of at home. 

and before i know what i can do, or even if i think i already know, i can always try.

i remember people asking me last august if i felt ready to go on exchange. my answer then was no.

and you know what? i didn't feel ready. i didn't feel prepared to spend a year abroad, learning a new language. i didn't feel capable enough to live on my own and figure out culture and values and country differences by myself.

but i was.

because i tried.

and being on exchange has caused me to recognize that lots of times, i don't feel ready. i don't feel prepared. i don't feel capable.

but i am.

i just have to try.

on the sixth day of christmas

on the sixth day of christmas

 my exchange gave to me
six lovely months
five languages

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

so technically it hasn't yet been six months. and it's not going to be until february. buuuut I'm posting this because really, my exchange began as soon as school ended. my preparations and packing and things started way back when, and so did my blog (yay!). And I'm realizing that when you go on exchange, it does affect a lot of your life. i didn't do a lot of things i could have done last summer and last year, because i was preparing for rotary.

i remember being sort of upset about it, because i was missing birthday parties and summer camps and friends and family and all sorts of things in preparation for a year that i knew almost nothing about. and i remember getting really frustrated one night and telling myself that my exchange had better be worth it.

but you know what?

it is.

on the fifth day of christmas

on the fifth day of christmas

 my exchange gave to me
five languages

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

what you may not have known about Switzerland:

it has four official languages.

None of these languages are English. Instead, they are German, French, Italian, and Rato-Romansh. However, since English has become the "universal language", many things have translations in English as well. This, together with the fact that Switzerland is in the middle of Europe, means that when people sing Christmas songs, they tend to sing them in multiple different languages... my choir sang three songs in Italian, two in English, one in French, one in Finnish, two in Latin, and the rest in German. (Romansh songs are not popular, probably because only like 5% of the Swiss population actually speaks it...)

Every time I hear Christmas songs, then, I'm reminded that I am in another country. another continent.

but sometimes, that's nice to be reminded of.

on the fourth day of christmas

 on the fourth day of christmas

 my exchange gave to me

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

so the reason i haven't been posting as much is because, well, life.

but seriously, christmastime is crazy. and yet for some reason, it doesn't feel "christmasy" to me... I'm not sure if it's the lack of christmas music, or the fact that lights aren't a big display here, or what. but there is something missing from christmas. hopefully i'll find it by the 25th.

anyway... advent...

people celebrate advent in the USA too, but i remember it being more of a religious thing and not very widely celebrated. it involves lighting a candle every sunday until Christmas, and looking forward to Christmas day, rather like a very long drawnout version of the countdown on TV right before they show the Super Bowl. like "hey, look, we all want to go ahead and celebrate Christmas but it's too early so I guess we'll settle for lighting this purple candle."

but here it is celebrated. my host family has the tradition of giving each child a small present every sunday. other families have daily advent calendars. other families read a prayer and light the candle in a small ceremony of celebratory-ness.

(what is that? not exactly celebration -- celebrationess? celebratorianism?)

and it is sweet, and quiet. that's the thing that defines advent for me, i suppose-- it is not exciting, like Christmas Eve, or loud, like New Year's, or bright, like Easter and Christmas. it is still. peaceful. 

it is not a festivity in and of itself as much as it is the celebration of what is to come.

on the third day of christmas

on the third day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

so this post isn't exactly correct because technically i've only got one family so far now... but i'm thinking in advance, okay?

one unique thing about rotary youth exchange is that the students change families every 4 (ish) months. there are multiple reasons for this rule, but it does mean two very important things: a) your families are temporary and b) you have about 3 (depending on the situation) different families throughout the year.

when i first came here, i honestly thought i would never get used to this. i am living in the house, eating the food, sharing the lives of people who i met less than 5 months ago... and what's more, this arrangement was made before i even met them.

and i know not all host family-kid relationships are good, so i suppose i got lucky. but honestly, my host family feels like a-- well, a family. i ask my parents for advice and i watch movies with my little sister and just basically i am no longer a guest. and as strange as it is, i am now living in a family that i met in august... and it is natural. it is normal. it is my life.

and i wouldn't change it.

on the second day of christmas

on the second day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

one thing that I've never realized about Christmas is just how BIG of a deal it is for us in America. There are songs and the shopping and the lights and the carolers... they're all little things, things that seem really everyday at home. Normal, Christmasy things.
but then when they are no longer there, you end up wondering vaguely what's missing.
and so I have to say it: I miss Christmas. I miss American Christmas.

but the thing is...
at the same time I am yearning for the Christmas I know, the Christmas I have always known, I am learning to appreciate and love European Christmases, too. There are snowfilled villages and cookies and Christmas markets and songs in French and German and Italian. And that has also become a normal Christmas for me.

And it makes me wonder if I will always, after this, be missing both traditions. If I will always be remembering both types of Christmases. If I will always have a part of me that celebrates in both countries.
And if so,
what will that be like?

on the first day of christmas

on the first day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

a new look at bloomability

one thing i've learned about exchange is that, well, it changes you. it changes you in a lot of ways.
most recently, i've been struck with the amount of things that my exchange has given me. yeah, it hasn't always been easy or fun, but it's blessed me with a lot already.
and what better time to realize and give thanks for your blessings than christmas time?
so in the next 12 days (countdown till christmas) i'm going to be sharing a picture and listing a short something that my exchange has given me and why. hope you enjoy it. :)

(note: so because my dad happens to be a professor at Multnomah, I guess I can't really get away without a short explanation... for all you church-history people, yes, technically the 12 days of christmas were between Christmas and Epiphany. This means that they were not before the 25th, but after it... 
that said, i don't want to blog through my christmas break, so i am doing it now and putting my own spin on the "12 days" song [which, really, wasn't necessarily that spiritual or church-history related to begin with anyway]. let christmas countdowns begin.)

three months

arrival

"The plane swooped over jagged snow-covered mountains and landed without crashing in Zurich, Switzerland. A foreign country."

--Bloomability, Sharon Creech*

*this book is good. I recommend it.

in fact i recommend it so much that i named my blog after it.

you'll be seeing many quotes from it in the future, trust me. ;)