days < 10 -- farewelling

piece of advice for future exchange students #6:

say goodbye to people you know whenever you see them. because you never know when you might be leaving, and you will not be coming home for a year.

note: for those of you who may have missed it, I now have a new countdown timer (note that this one counts down to when I will be in Switzerland, not when I will depart the US).

this past weekend, I said goodbye to a group of my friends. It was fun, and encouraging, and delicious (nutella for the win :P) and for the first half of the party I just enjoyed seeing everyone and talking and laughing.

and then about halfway through, I realized that this was possibly the last time I'd be seeing most of them... at least for a year.

that after I left, life would continue. 

that when I come back, people would be different. 

that they would have seen things and made memories and grown up a little bit more. 

and I knew all that, in the back of my mind, but somehow the party triggered my realization of it. 

which made saying goodbye harder.

but you know what?

when I finally leave, life will continue.

after I come back, I will be different.

I will have seen things and made memories and grown up a little bit more.

and that is the reason that I am leaving, and that is the reason I am saying goodbye, and I knew all that in the back of my mind but somehow the goodbyes triggered my realization of it.

which made saying goodbye--easier. for some reason.

things that have happened in the past 10 days:

• the advantage of having a party is that you get to see all your friends. so I saw my friends and said goodbye and it was bittersweet.
• and yet good.
• I'm packed! (well, mostly.) hooray!
• in the past couple weeks, I've gotten to know this amazing girl named Sarah who's also an outbound to Switzerland. our conversations make me more excited to go :)
• I'm really too tired to list anything else. 
• goodnight.

dreams, doubt, and saying goodbye

just because something is a bloomability does not mean that it comes without its fair share of doubt.

when you sign up for exchange, they tell you about the best things. all the places you'll go. all the sights you'll see. all the friends you'll make. and i think that's true, every word of it, because exchange sounds amazing.

but they never mention what you'll be missing.

because when you sign up for a year, you may not exactly realize that you're going to be gone for, well, a year. there's a lot that can happen in a year, you know. people change, and places change, and friendships change. you gain a lot on your exchange year, but you will also be giving up quite a bit.
the more time i spend with my friends, the more i realize that this is a place where i belong. and that i will be leaving it behind once i leave. and that i will never quite be in this same spot again.

it's odd to think that high school goes so fast. i thought it lasted forever, and here i am, halfway through, doing something i would never have seen myself doing two years ago. it makes me feel very old and very young at the same time.

a few months ago i said goodbye to my normal school friends and classes and activities. there was the usual hugging and exchanging of email addresses and promises to stay in touch.
but it was different this time.
because every time someone said "will i see you next year" the answer wasn't "yes" or "maybe".
the answer was "no".
"no" because i am going on exchange. and at the end of the summer when you are buying notebooks and pencils and folders and stepping onto the bus for school, i will be buying my ticket and stepping onto a plane for another country.

and every time i look at a calendar, i remember:
in less than 10 days, i will be separated from my friends and family and everything that is safe and comfortable.
in less than 10 days i will be flying across the ocean toward my new country, toward my new family, toward my new home.
in less than 10 days, i will be gone.

i'm not ready

the most common question i get now:
"are you ready?"

and normally i smile and say yes, sure, absolutely, thrilled, etc.
but i thought about it and i realized that no, i'm not.

it freaks me out to think that i will be getting on a plane and living without my family and friends here for a year. i feel too young and too inexperienced and too whatever to possibly be ready.

but every time i've ever felt scared and worried and stressed about something that i know i want to do, i've felt unready. and somehow by the time i am doing it, i am ready. i'm not sure what happens inside when i become ready... there's only the fact  that when the moment of truth comes, i am. and i trust myself to know when i will be.

so no, i'm not ready.

but you know what?

i will be.

(not) in captivity

Some exchange students say they can't wait to leave, that they have to get out of their hole of a house/school/town/etc., that going abroad is going to be such an amazing escape.

Except that I don't feel like that.
I don't want to escape. I honestly don't feel like there is much to escape from. I'm happy with where I am, for the most part, and I am worried about leaving that for a whole entire year.

As poetic as it sounds, I have to admit that I don't feel like a caged bird. I have no need to get away from the world I am in now. If Rotary called and told me that my exchange was dropped, I would be sad. I would be depressed. I would probably cry. But I don't think my life would fall apart.

Is that horrible? Because I want very badly to go, don't get me wrong. There are millions of reasons why I want to go, and I have no intention of dropping this exchange ever. I am going to work on my exchange and I am going to work hard.

But I am worried, because somehow the need that seems to be pushing others is not pushing me. I don't hate my friendships here. I don't hate my town. I don't hate Americans in general.

And it makes me wonder: Do I have to? Will I not exchange well if I don't hate my home country?

Because I want to embrace Switzerland, come into the culture with an open mind, learn the language and understand the people and make friends. I do.

I just don't think I have to hate America to love Switzerland.

surreal

"It seemed that all around me was a smooth bubble, clear enough to see through, but strong enough to keep me inside... I imagined pores in this bubble ball that could let in streams of things from the outside, so I could examine them and poke them back out again if I didn't like them..."

--Bloomability, Sharon Creech

i've just come home from the rotary district conference, where everything was new and we were feeling the same things and learning the same things and ready to travel the world. but now, i sit here in my house with everything familiar around me, and i wonder what exactly i think i am doing.

because in less than 80 days now, i will be in switzerland.

i will be in another country with foreign languages spoken all around me.

i will be living with another family.

i will be without the friends i know now and the schedules i have here.

i will be halfway around the world.

for a year.

and yet, as close as it is, i somehow can't seem to make it feel true. i know that it's coming, and i know that i don't have much time left. as ridiculous as it sounds, i feel like i'm going to wake up any minute now. 

it's just that everything feels so distant. i know that there have been hundreds, thousands, of exchange students before me. i know that they have done this before. but somehow their world seems so far away from mine.

so very very far away.