this is what it feels like to be home again

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...not really caring about public embarrassment-- being too loud or too crazy or too strange-- ever again. because you speak the language and you understand the culture, and so nothing you do here can ever be more embarrassing than all the stupid things you did THERE. you are now immune to actual public humiliation.

mostly.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...you probably cry a lot more than is normal. you can't watch movies whenever anyone says goodbye to anyone else. this is both somewhat comforting (everyone thinks you're just crying over the animated character) and embarrassing (because, well, everyone thinks you're just crying over an animated character).

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...being frustratingly unable to communicate your thoughts in a logical fashion. i'm trying, really i am, but i just can't english right now.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...looking at old pictures and wondering sometimes if the whole entire year was a very elaborate and interesting dream. it feels so far away and separate from your life here.

...putting on a pair of boots and realizing that they've walked streets in paris and rome and venice.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...sometimes, you don't know who you are. because you were so different on exchange, and you FEEL different now, but people want you to be the person they remember.
and sometimes you are, and sometimes you aren't.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...recognizing that while some people 

didn't really notice you were gone,

there are some other people who care about you. a lot.

and you don't really know why, 

or how, or exactly when that happened,

only that they do.

...and it makes life easier.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...leaving one life and then creating a new one.

...having little pieces of that life somehow everywhere, in a lovely and scary way.

...learning to appreciate every moment that you have.

my first 100 days-- again

"and... i had two contrasting feelings. 

one was complete happiness, as if i was back in a comfortable place 

with people i knew and who knew me. 

the other feeling was complete and overwhelming homesickness. 

it was as if the two feelings were taking turns, 

and i was waiting to see which one would win." 

-- bloomability, sharon creech

my three-month theory about exchange -- the idea that after three months, you are exchanging "for real" and you are more than just a tourist-- isn't exactly a secret. that is, it's not anything particularly special or brilliant or life-changing. it's just a theory, a theory that happens to hold true for a lot of things; after 100 days (a little longer than three months), you have to change. 

and so i shouldn't have been surprised when, yesterday, i hit my one hundred days.

but i still was.

people laugh, sometimes, when i say that i'm homesick. they think i'm being funny on purpose. but the thing is-- i AM homesick. i'm homesick for places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i've loved, because to me switzerland is home. 

i'm sorry if that sounds ridiculously stupid.

(actually, i'm not sorry.)

(go on exchange yourself and then come back and tell me it sounds stupid to call your host country home. I DARE YOU.)

anyway.

at the same time, i love oregon. i never realized how much i HAD missed my life here until i came back... because here, as well, are places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i love. even though i hated the US when I first got back, coming home forced me to recognize that portland, oregon, is home as well.

and i've missed it.

more than eleven months ago, i was sitting on my bed exulting in the fact that i was finally more than a tourist. more than a visitor in a foreign land. more than some random weird crazy girl who didn't belong.

and now here i sit, and i'm posting this because i'm finally, finally, FINALLY more than a tourist. more than a visitor in my own land.

because finally i am someone who feels, 

in her own random weird crazy way, 

that she belongs.

update: changes, purpose, and other semi-boring things

hey guys!

i've planned a lot of changes to this blog in the past month, and today, they are finally beginning to come to fruition! hooray!

the main change today is the blog name... the banner above this post now reads "oh the bloomabilities" instead of "hannah goes adventuring". this was actually the original name of the blog (read why here) and now that i'm home from exchange, it's going to stay that way.

the blog itself will continue, just in a different form. as a rotary exchange student, we learn that there are three stages of exchange: outbound (leaving from your home country), inbound (being in your host country), and rebound (returning to your home country after your year abroad). so with that in mind, i'll still continue writing.... just in a slightly different capacity, as a return exchanger instead of as a current one.

"hannah goes adventuring" will also continue, but as my personal/normal blog -- and therefore using a different web address, focus, and timeline. hopefully that'll be up in the next month, so keep an eye out!

in the next month or so, i'll be entering school, applying for college, and doing all that senior-year-drama stuff, so i WILL be busy. but i mean hey, at least it's all in a language i speak and understand! ;) i will also be a part of rotary, and i'll attempt to keep updating with the process. once an exchange student, always an exchange student.

that's it for now!
♥♥♥,
hannah

an open letter to the newbies

dear newbies:

congratulations on being the luckiest kids in the world. you are about to have what will probably be the most memorable year of your life so far.

do not underestimate the importance of spontaneity and simply enjoying your life here. but, in the event that you WOULD like advice, here are some things to remember...

us as newbies!

1. don't stress.

but seriously, don't. one, it isn't worth your time, and two, sometimes it's better to just enjoy the moment. the year will be over before you know it. prioritize, yes, and figure out what you're looking for in your exchange year, yes. but take a couple minutes every so often to breathe and laugh and realize the complete beauty and total ridiculousness of you being in another country.

i regret not figuring out that sometimes, i should just take life as it happened to me. (chill out, by the way, Past Hannah. you're stressing out too much to be healthy.) and that sometimes, your exchange will hold lovely surprises. the key isn't to prepare wildly, the key is to welcome them in and stop complaining.

which is another point...

2. if you have an issue, figure it out. make yourself heard.

you will be on your own for a lot of this year, and you will be required to deal with your own problems sometimes. if you can't, you need to communicate that you can't... clearly. your host parents are wonderful, but there are times when you just need to raise your voice and let them know that there IS a blocked bathtub turning the downstairs washroom into a swimming pool, and can they please help you with it NOW?

farewell weekend for OUR oldies

other times you will be required to take control of your own issues and solve them. if you are not already, you will probably become good at a) reading maps in foreign languages or b) navigating the transit system better than the locals do or c) getting lost in large cities and enjoying it. possibly all three!

but there are other times when the problem just can't be fixed. which means that,

3. sometimes, you need to shut up and deal with it.

this doesn't mean staying silent in the face of evil. this just means that sometimes, you will get so caught up in what's wrong with your exchange that you don't realize the obvious: you're on exchange, and that's wonderful! be grateful, duh.

also, the food is delicious. i don't care what you think of it now. it's delicious. and you WILL miss it when you get back to your home country, so make the most of your opportunities now. this applies to other things, not just food: language, culture, travel... stop complaining and work on enjoying life.

newbies and oldies-- exchange is a family

 4. invest in things that last.

make friendships. get to know people who come from different states and countries and continents. because you know what? you didn't come on exchange to be comfortable. anyone can stay home and be comfortable. you came to grow, and that takes guts.

so don't undermine that by staying inside your comfort zone.

 i have met some of the most brilliant and talented and fun people on exchange, and it blows my mind to think that i call them friends. so go. enjoy the world. there is life outside your front door, i promise.

5. ignore this.

well, don't ignore it completely. but do realize that this is a very limited amount of advice coming from a still-more-limited source, and that every exchange is different. my counsel might be completely wrong for your exchange, and that's fine.

know yourself, and question yourself, and feel free to disregard things that aren't right for you. but mostly, remember that you're ON EXCHANGE, you're adventuring, you're free...

and honestly, isn't that the most wonderful feeling in the world?

being an asian-american on exchange: frustration, barriers, and defining me

As a US-American on exchange, I've had the opportunity to challenge a lot of common beliefs about my home country. I don't have a Southern accent, I'm not a cheerleader, I'm (relatively) intelligent. Most importantly, I'm Asian. As in Not White.

This has been really great in a lot of ways. Since Europeans know a lot about American culture but very little about Asian culture, it makes me feel foreign and interesting to explain Chinese New Year or to describe lion dancing. It's an extra bonus to be able to pretend I don't speak English, just so that the street vendors will go away and stop bothering me.

At the same time, though, I've gotten the most racist and ignorant questions and assumptions ever. Most of them make me laugh. Some of them make me sad. A few make me angry.

It was funny at the beginning to see people double-take at the news that I'm an American, and funnier still if they ended up complimenting my English. It was funny to explain that I don't speak fluent Chinese, neither do my parents, and yes, I am indeed an American citizen. It was funny to get questions about whether I was adopted or whether I'd be allowed to marry someone who wasn't Chinese.

But to be honest? Right now, I'm sick of it.

I'm sorry to put that out there, but it's true. I am sick of people constantly assuming I am from Japan or China or Korea (by the way, people, there ARE other Asian countries). I am sick of people insisting I tell them where I'm REALLY from. I'm sick of people who ask me if I want to go "back" to China, who ask me if I can see out of my eyes or if I can read Japanese and Korean and Thai or how I can tell Asians apart.

I just want to be treated like a real person.
Is that too much to ask?

And it bothers me, that I cannot simply float into Europe and fit in. That whenever I walk into a room, people immediately know that I am not originally Swiss, or German, or Italian, or French. That I have to try doubly hard to adapt and to fit in. That simply by right of birth, I have more cultural barriers to climb than most of the other American exchangers do.

But at the same time, I'm realizing how much I am defined by my heritage. My heritage, both Chinese and American.


The way I look tells people that I am Chinese. The way I speak tells people that I am American.
And I wish that people could see that it's not mutually exclusive. It is not that my family is Chinese and I am American, it is not that my language is English and my heritage Chinese, it is not that I am a twinkie or an egg or anything divided by color or race or country.

it is that I am Asian AND American, and I am still a person.

It is simply that I am who I am. 
Hannah.
and I wish that people could see that.

on the twelfth day of christmas

on the twelfth day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

love for the present

questions to answer

more independence 

long christmas dinners

swiss weihnachtsmärkte

seven for a family

six lovely months

five languages

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

(and with this post, it draws to an end... )

one of the most important things i've learned here is to live in the present. life is so different when you know that you will only be spending a year somewhere-- relationships are built faster, people change quicker, adventures are made instantly because you know, you KNOW that this time does not last forever.

and that is sad.
but because it doesn't,

it gives you all the more reason to make the most of the time you have.

i have to say that i rely on the "extra" time i have all the time when i'm at home. i say i'll do or make or see something when i'm older, or when i have more time, or when i have more money. and it is easy to say because i know that there is a possibility.

but when i am here, that possibility does not exist.

even when i grow up and if i come back, i will never have a year quite like this again.
it makes me laugh that i had to come all the way to Switzerland to realize this. and yet it's true. i shouldn't base everything on saving money, or on being successful, or on saving time. 

because yes, those are important. but often we place way too much value on them. 

more than they are really worth.

because memories, and relationships, and growth, are also worth a lot.

and so i've learned to live in the moment.

to make every effort i can.

to bloom.

on the third day of christmas

on the third day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

so this post isn't exactly correct because technically i've only got one family so far now... but i'm thinking in advance, okay?

one unique thing about rotary youth exchange is that the students change families every 4 (ish) months. there are multiple reasons for this rule, but it does mean two very important things: a) your families are temporary and b) you have about 3 (depending on the situation) different families throughout the year.

when i first came here, i honestly thought i would never get used to this. i am living in the house, eating the food, sharing the lives of people who i met less than 5 months ago... and what's more, this arrangement was made before i even met them.

and i know not all host family-kid relationships are good, so i suppose i got lucky. but honestly, my host family feels like a-- well, a family. i ask my parents for advice and i watch movies with my little sister and just basically i am no longer a guest. and as strange as it is, i am now living in a family that i met in august... and it is natural. it is normal. it is my life.

and i wouldn't change it.

on the first day of christmas

on the first day of christmas

my exchange gave to me

a new look at bloomability

one thing i've learned about exchange is that, well, it changes you. it changes you in a lot of ways.
most recently, i've been struck with the amount of things that my exchange has given me. yeah, it hasn't always been easy or fun, but it's blessed me with a lot already.
and what better time to realize and give thanks for your blessings than christmas time?
so in the next 12 days (countdown till christmas) i'm going to be sharing a picture and listing a short something that my exchange has given me and why. hope you enjoy it. :)

(note: so because my dad happens to be a professor at Multnomah, I guess I can't really get away without a short explanation... for all you church-history people, yes, technically the 12 days of christmas were between Christmas and Epiphany. This means that they were not before the 25th, but after it... 
that said, i don't want to blog through my christmas break, so i am doing it now and putting my own spin on the "12 days" song [which, really, wasn't necessarily that spiritual or church-history related to begin with anyway]. let christmas countdowns begin.)

my blog rule-- and why i am now breaking it

gondola ride up the matterhorn

when i first started this blog, i decided to avoid talking about two things:
politics and religion.

the reasons were simple. while politics and religion do interest me (i'm one of those weird people who like to know how other governments and belief systems work) these seem to be the most "offending" things that are presented nowadays. i figured that i'd keep the potentially offensive things to myself, in the interest of keeping my blog relatable.
you see, my blog was originally started to a) update people on my life so they don't have to ask my poor family at home all the time and b) describe the Rotary exchange process personally, to an extent that it'd be helpful to future exchangers and c) generally be a place for me to describe my life and the thoughts and changes i'm experiencing.

politics and religion didn't come into that because they didn't affect my exchange.

but the thing is...
politics and belief systems are a HUGE part of a country. they reflect so much about the culture and people and the values and interests and ideals of that culture. coming here, i've been asking myself a lot of questions about why, exactly, US-Americans do the things they do. i've learned that sometimes we're right, and a lot of times we aren't.

and consequently, they have indeed affected my exchange.
and forgoing all mention of them on my blog caused me to leave out significant parts of who i am and the things that i'm realizing here.

this does NOT MEAN that i am going to suddenly go all "crazy-political-American" on you, not at all. (in fact, going on exchange has caused me to question a ton of my beliefs, in a very good way.)
i still do think that insult throwing and misinformed arguing over politics and belief systems is completely and utterly pointless. not to mention that it makes a lot of enemies very fast.

however, as a representative and ambassador of my country, i am going to share some things on my blog that have caused me to rethink how Americans live. and that includes whatever small political or religious culture shifts i think are worth noting.

i am not encouraging comment wars. i am not changing my blog.

i am simply representing myself and what my exchange is teaching me, and realizing that it has caused me to think about a lot of different things.

and i hope it causes you to think too.

stars

i'm walking home from choir, the same thing i do every thursday. there is music singing in my head, notes shining like silver on the tip of my tongue. the village is quiet. 

i'm not sure why... maybe it's the lack of light pollution or something... but there are always more stars than i've ever seen in my village. they literally reach past the horizon, which makes the sky somehow seem a lot bigger than it does in the daytime.  

it's dizzying at first, a little frightening to realize that there are so many different giant burning things in the sky. That our sun is so very small, and our earth is so very small, and we ourselves are practically nonexistent in the universe. and really, why do i even matter?
i remember one of my friends saying she didn't like to think about it. it made her feel too tiny.
but at the same time, it is somehow nice to feel tiny. to look up and feel dwarfed by the stars and to know that no matter how awfully you messed up your language today, they will all go on shining. and that what you do doesn't really affect the universe, not at all. 

the sky is deep and black and filled with stars.
and the constellations look different. they are different. they are not the same as they are at home.
the first time i saw the Big Dipper, i almost fell over because it was in a different place. switzerland is almost the same latitude as portland, so i suppose that doesn't make too much sense. but for some reason all the constellations look bigger, or brighter, or lower somehow. they're almost in the right places, but not quite.  

even the constellations, then, are a constant reminder that i am not at home.
that i am not where i know, where i understand.
that i am not in the place where i belong. 

and yet...
some things don't change. the sky is different, and the constellations look different. but the stars are the stars that i have always seen, will always see.
 the biggest visible things in my life, the biggest things in our universe, continue to do what they have always done. the moons orbit around each other, the planets whirl on their axes, the stars burn bright. no matter what, they stay constant. they don't change.

and so i'm walking home from choir, the same thing i do every thursday. there is music singing in my head, notes shining like silver on the tip of my tongue. the village is quiet.
the sky is deep and black and filled with stars.
and the constellations look different. 

but the stars? 

the stars are always the same.

days > 90 -- living

advice for future exchange students #15:

if you make it to the third month, congratulations.

you are exchanging.

I have this theory that life for exchange students gets more dramatic at the third month mark. While I haven't had that much drama as of yet (which makes me rather worried, because I feel like something should be coming), I've observed enough of my friends to conclude that around three months in, something changes.

I talked with some of my Austauschschuler friends about this, and what we came up with was that after three months, you are no longer a guest. You are on exchange-- you have lived in the same house for almost 100 days, you (should) be able to speak the language to communicate, and you are no longer new to school or classes or your village. 

And so you are transitioning.

You are transitioning into living your new life.

things that have happened in the past 10 days:

• first skype with my family!!! For those of you who didn't know, there is something called the 90-day-rule that my district set up for the outbounds. It basically states that we cannot skype or call home (with the exception of a short call home to tell them that we've arrived) for the first 90 days of our exchange. But... my 90 days are over, and so I skyped home! :) :) :) words do not express how excited I was.
• I finally got to meet up with one of my friends from Zurich, Sarah. We skyped several times before I left (she is from Kentucky and I am from Oregon) but since she's in a different area and district I haven't gotten to see her very often. It was good to see her and talk and compare lives :)
• I got an account at the Rheinfelden library. This means that I can check out German books whenever I want for free. Since the library was a huge part of my life at home, it's nice to have an account here.
• met with my counsellor at Gymnasium Muttenz. We spoke completely in German, which was actually pretty cool for me... while I've had conversations with my host family and my colleagues at school, it's a different experience to explain yourself and ask "business" questions in German.
• On Wednesday, my whole class had something called a Berufstag (at least, I think that's what it's called). All of the first-year FMS students were required to take a huge long test to see what their strengths and weaknesses and job preferences would be. Then on one day, all of us go and visit places and hear presentations based on what those job preferences are. Each of the different jobs require you to go to a specific type of school where they train you for the specific job you pick. So for example, I went to a pedagogy presentation (which was really boring), an architecture presentation (which was interesting) and a presentation about journalism/translation/communications (which was really awesome.)
• I've also decided to go to university here.
• Just kidding. 
• Except really... there are some very good schools in Switzerland, so we'll see how my German goes and then maybe college in other countries would be a possibility!

the end.

hannah

days > 80 -- becoming

advice for future exchange students #14:

work on the same things as your peers in your host country.

if they take tests, try to take tests. if they take notes in class, try to take notes 

(even when you have no idea what's going on.)

in other words: try to adapt. try to live the same life 

that you would if you were a teen who'd grown up in your host country. 

it helps.

The days are going by so fast. I can't believe it's been almost three months since my arrival in Switzerland. One of the oldies [translation: exchange-student speak for the students who came half a year before you. If you're from the Northern Hemisphere, like me, these are some of the inbounds from South America and all the inbounds from New Zealand and Australia who came in January] mentioned that our newbies were coming in about three months. That's crazy. I just got here, like, yesterday...

things that have happened in the past 10-ish days:

• One of the best things that happened to me this week was getting mistaken for a Swiss student. We had a substitute teacher and she didn't know I was an exchange student (e.g. I don't speak German) until I pulled out my phone to translate something... and I spoke with her in German several times before that!!
• I've found that in the past month or so, I feel like my German hasn't improved. In the first six weeks it was getting better every day, by leaps and bounds, and by the middle of the second month I was conversationally okay. But now I feel like I'm staying at the same level, or at least not getting better quite so quickly.
• That said, people are often surprised that I've only been speaking for 2 months, so hopefully I am continuing to learn. My host mom says that it's a fairly normal stage and that I am in fact better than I was before, so that's good. I think?
• took the PSAT last week Saturday. Guess who dropped her calculator on the way into the testing room and effectively broke the display?
• Other than that, the test was fine and I met Odile, an awesome girl who lives here (but speaks perfect English anyway because she's both American and Swiss.) So that was a highlight :)
• I've also been working on my Swiss German. My understanding of it gets better every day, but I don't have enough knowledge or vocabulary to completely switch over. This means that now I speak an odd mixture of Swiss German and High German, and it's a miracle that anyone can understand what I'm saying.
• Rotary!!! In the past couple weeks, I think we as exchange students have gotten a lot closer. It's funny because all of us are so different, but exchange seems to pull people together (whether they like it at the beginning or not). I'm really, really happy to have exchange friends who can understand what I'm going through (and put up with me when I'm being ridiculously stupid.)

that's all I'm going to write for now. bis später!

hannah

update -- and pictures!

I woke up this morning to the sound of bells.

Outside my bedroom window I can see to the other side of my village. It's a small village, about the size of my entire neighborhood back home... of course, that would make sense considering that Switzerland is about 1/6th the area of Oregon. In fact, everything in Switzerland appears to be smaller than back home. The cars are smaller, the streets are smaller, and even the chairs and tables appear to be shorter. Which makes me very happy, because sitting at my desk here I can comfortably extend my feet to the floor. At least size-wise, I fit in here perfectly.

Of course, there are other ways that I feel distinctly different. I happen to be Asian, which isn't a big deal in the middle of hipster downtown Portlanders where there are much stranger things to be stared at. And I don't identify myself as a different race by default... I am Hannah, I am a girl, I am American.
But here I have seen absolutely no one who looks like me. I'm not sure how much I stand out, but I know for a fact that I do not look Swiss.

The language barrier is interesting. Most of my peers take English in school, and my host mom speaks fluent English. This is nice when I am trying to get my point across but not so nice when I'm trying to practice my language skills :P However, everyone has been super nice about helping me practice my German, and there's plenty of language immersion everywhere :)

In addition, the German that I've learned so far is High German, Hochdeutsch, while the German that's spoken here is Swiss German, Schweizerdeutsch/Schwyzerdüütsch. Swiss German is a very strong "dialect" of German that doesn't really exist in written form. Some people say that when you go to Switzerland you learn two languages--Swiss German and High German--and it's so true.

Where was I? Oh yes, my village. Every hour the church bells ring, and during dinner today we heard alphorns. Yes, real alphorns. Told you Magden was small :) but still, it's ridiculously adorable. There are flowers everywhere, the houses have little peaked tile roofs, all the windows have colored shutters (and window boxes with flowers in them). Sheep are grazing in the field behind the backyard, and I've even seen horses walking down the main street! The entire town is like a picture from a storybook.

Proof? Look at the pictures. I took these... unedited... in half an hour... walking around my village. There are more, but I figured I might overwhelm you so I've kept it to a minimum. I seriously can't stop taking pictures here-- there are so many things to see and love and be interested in! I'm obviously still in the "honeymoon" stage of my exchange :P
But honestly, Switzerland is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen in my entire life. There's so much history--Magden is 1200 years old, and Switzerland is full of lovely old castles and churches and fountains and bridges. It makes the Declaration of Independence seem practically new!

Also, today I started German language school, or Deutschschule. There are eight other exchange students in my class, all of us at varying levels of German. At the end of four weeks we take a test, and if all goes well I will start "real school" in Gymnasium Muttenz the week afterward.

Now the alphorns are finished and the bells are ringing again--22:00--so I'd better go to sleep. Gute Nacht, Schweiz.

days < 0 -- arriving

piece of advice for future exchange students #7:

you are going. you are going because this is an adventure and it is worth it.

stop panicking.

I'm here!
that's it. I'm too tired to write more. :)

august's lovely links -- pre-exchange favorite posts

this "lovely links" is a bit different because I'm going to post my favorite pre-exchange links from this blog. in case you're just beginning to read my blog and you don't want to read through everything, I'll also explain some of it throughout this post.

also, Sound of Music isn't from Switzerland, it's from Austria. But I couldn't resist using some of the lyrics anyway.

let's start at the very beginning:
I first applied for the Rotary Long Term exchange program in the fall of 2012, and I was accepted as an alternate (a replacement, if you will, for the primary candidate). I went to the first Rotary week in January, and they still didn't know whether I would be able to go. about a week before the Rotary Youth Exchange weekend in February, I received an email saying that they found a slot for me and that I was accepted into the program. I screamed my head off.
That week was crazy. We talked to people and learned about countries and went through culture training and finally received our country selections on Saturday. I started my blog back in May, after the district conference. This post describes the process a little more clearly, and the following one is what happened between the February weekend and the May conference. :)

a very good place to start:
My feelings were basically all over the place. the exchange seemed surreal and the preparation was rather overwhelming. in addition, I knew I'd miss everything at home --- exchange wasn't an escape for me. but I knew that this was something I really, really wanted. and so the months went by.

when you read you begin with:
German is a difficult language. if you have an extra half hour, you should look up "the awful German language" by Mark Twain... the language isn't actually that bad, but the essay is funny.

Also during the summer, I answered a lot of questions. a lot.
a LOT.

when you exchange you begin with:
as the day came closer, it began to sink in that I actually was going. I had the whole summer to think through why I wanted to do this seemingly crazy and potentially overwhelming thing, which helped. I also realized that I'd be saying goodbye to a lot of things (that seems really obvious, now that I think about it.)

favorite post so far, though, goes to stamps. it's a short description/story I wrote on the fly, and I'm surprised that I ended up liking it so much. hopefully you will too?

dreams, doubt, and saying goodbye

just because something is a bloomability does not mean that it comes without its fair share of doubt.

when you sign up for exchange, they tell you about the best things. all the places you'll go. all the sights you'll see. all the friends you'll make. and i think that's true, every word of it, because exchange sounds amazing.

but they never mention what you'll be missing.

because when you sign up for a year, you may not exactly realize that you're going to be gone for, well, a year. there's a lot that can happen in a year, you know. people change, and places change, and friendships change. you gain a lot on your exchange year, but you will also be giving up quite a bit.
the more time i spend with my friends, the more i realize that this is a place where i belong. and that i will be leaving it behind once i leave. and that i will never quite be in this same spot again.

it's odd to think that high school goes so fast. i thought it lasted forever, and here i am, halfway through, doing something i would never have seen myself doing two years ago. it makes me feel very old and very young at the same time.

a few months ago i said goodbye to my normal school friends and classes and activities. there was the usual hugging and exchanging of email addresses and promises to stay in touch.
but it was different this time.
because every time someone said "will i see you next year" the answer wasn't "yes" or "maybe".
the answer was "no".
"no" because i am going on exchange. and at the end of the summer when you are buying notebooks and pencils and folders and stepping onto the bus for school, i will be buying my ticket and stepping onto a plane for another country.

and every time i look at a calendar, i remember:
in less than 10 days, i will be separated from my friends and family and everything that is safe and comfortable.
in less than 10 days i will be flying across the ocean toward my new country, toward my new family, toward my new home.
in less than 10 days, i will be gone.

days < 20 -- preparing

piece of advice for future outbounds #5:

start saying goodbye to everyone you know way before you leave. it goes fast, and you don't know if or when you'll see them again.

everything is starting to become more real. I have my flight date, my departure time (see this updated countdown timer if you'd like to know when that is) and a list of things to do in the next two weeks.

my reaction? "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

---

anyway.

things that have happened in the last 10 days:

• spending possibly my last days on the Pacific beach (and possibly any beach?) for the next year. Switzerland is landlocked, so I will probably miss the ocean.
• also. in case I haven't mentioned it, I now have my itinerary. I will receive my visa and passport back soon, and then I'll basically have everything I need to leave!
• going on one last family vacation before we leave. 
• attempting to finish the Rosetta Stone level 2 in German... so close. Unfortunately, my microphone appears to have gone weird on me. Hopefully it will revive itself enough that I can finish!
• other than that? not much. random philosophical discussions, Rotary meetings, etc., plus business with the last-minute complications of traveling.

that's it for now!

i'm not ready

the most common question i get now:
"are you ready?"

and normally i smile and say yes, sure, absolutely, thrilled, etc.
but i thought about it and i realized that no, i'm not.

it freaks me out to think that i will be getting on a plane and living without my family and friends here for a year. i feel too young and too inexperienced and too whatever to possibly be ready.

but every time i've ever felt scared and worried and stressed about something that i know i want to do, i've felt unready. and somehow by the time i am doing it, i am ready. i'm not sure what happens inside when i become ready... there's only the fact  that when the moment of truth comes, i am. and i trust myself to know when i will be.

so no, i'm not ready.

but you know what?

i will be.

june's lovely links

note: again, I've been gone for a couple weeks so some of these posts are severely overdue. sorry about that... anyway, I am doing my best to catch up and post (relatively) on time. :)

random things I've been reading that are somewhat travel related:

Fluent In 3 Months encourages you to make mistakes while learning languages... i have to admit that this is one of the hardest things for me to do, although i'm sure i'll make plenty of mistakes in Switzerland.
on another note, they also happen to have funny random posts about travel and habits picked up in other countries. some of the habits are hilarious.

this post from The Great Affair lists 27 things travel has taught Candace in 27 years. it's a short list, but worth the read.

this distance calculator tells you just how far away i'll be from your house. oh, although i'm sure you could use it for other things too. ;)

in case you wish you could travel now but the obstacles seem insurmountable--Young Adventuress lists some common travel excuses and reasons why they shouldn't actually keep you from traveling (although there is some language used on this blog that I personally wouldn't use. just a heads up.)

this writer talks about his reasons for traveling young. To be honest, though, i think most of his reasons could apply to anyone, no matter their age.

food for thought: one rotary student's experience and thoughts on Eurotour.

stamps

the post office at the grocery store gets a lot of traffic, even on weekdays. since school isn't out, i am the youngest person here. 

I stand up straighter, push back my bangs. Try to look like I belong here. Hope no one asks me why I'm not in school. 

Short people just naturally get taken for littler than they are. I remember one July picnic when a little boy asked me how old I was (14). I asked him how old I looked. He squinched his eyes up at me, thought hard, and said, "eleven?" my sister nearly died laughing. 

I don't ask people to guess my age anymore. 

The lady at the register looks toward us and I bring my envelopes over, sliding them across the counter like I've done it a million times. "How much will it cost me to send these to Switzerland?" 

She says "2.20" without having to think. post office ladies are cool like that.
I ask how long it'll take and she says a week. I ask if there are any ways to get it there faster.
The lady lifts her eyebrows. "well, there's a couple options. we can send it one way and that costs 33 dollars, or you can take the other option but that's 44.25." 

... 

with as much dignity as I can muster, I say I'll stick with the first option. She takes my money, stamps the envelopes in red, and sticks international stamps on the corners. They're round, with a picture of the earth on them--pretty.
As the lady slides the envelopes away and hands me my change, I think about that stamp. It's so little to be sent halfway around the world. In my head I trace a line across the little blue globe--Switzerland is probably only about two inches away. 

except that in 60 days I'll be following that envelope, and it won't be any two inches neither. 

more than 2000 miles. 

and i realize just how little i am, to be sent halfway around the world.