note to self: do not miss the bus

I missed it today by one minute, which is why I'm now sitting at the bus stop writing this. Swiss buses are always -- always -- on time, meaning that they leave one minute or less after they arrive and if you're 30 seconds too late the bus will have cheerfully departed without you on it.
I would like to say that I immediately resolved to be on time for everything and never to miss anything in my schedule ever again. 

I didn't. 

Instead, after 3 minutes of hoping against hope that the bus was late and 2 minutes of inspecting the bus schedule to verify that the next bus was, indeed, 29 minutes later, I sat down and began to complain. Not out loud, mind you. It was in my head -- and what a lot of complaining I did! In 15 minutes I had blamed the bus, my village, the time on my cell phone, the class time change, the day, my shoes, my alarm clock, and the transit system in general. I'm very efficient that way.

And then I realized. 

You see, in Rotary the consistent thing they tell you is that it's your exchange. Yours and nobody else's.
And many times before today, I'd appreciated that the buses came and left on time, that there was always a connection, that I never had to doubt the train system or the consistency of the bus. And so, if I miss the bus, it's my own responsibility, my own fault.  

Mine and nobody else's.  

And as I stepped onto the bus and sat down, I realized just how ridiculously selfish I was being. Everything that I was complaining about was a gift: the class, the teacher, my cell phone, my village, the day, the GA for the transit system, and way more. And all of those were a part of one big undeserved gift -- the fact that I was on exchange. In Switzerland, no less. 

 ...

And so that's what I've been telling myself today. That every day is a discovery, that every hour is a gift, because I am in SWITZERLAND, on my foreign exchange. 

Mine, 

and nobody else's.

dreams, doubt, and saying goodbye

just because something is a bloomability does not mean that it comes without its fair share of doubt.

when you sign up for exchange, they tell you about the best things. all the places you'll go. all the sights you'll see. all the friends you'll make. and i think that's true, every word of it, because exchange sounds amazing.

but they never mention what you'll be missing.

because when you sign up for a year, you may not exactly realize that you're going to be gone for, well, a year. there's a lot that can happen in a year, you know. people change, and places change, and friendships change. you gain a lot on your exchange year, but you will also be giving up quite a bit.
the more time i spend with my friends, the more i realize that this is a place where i belong. and that i will be leaving it behind once i leave. and that i will never quite be in this same spot again.

it's odd to think that high school goes so fast. i thought it lasted forever, and here i am, halfway through, doing something i would never have seen myself doing two years ago. it makes me feel very old and very young at the same time.

a few months ago i said goodbye to my normal school friends and classes and activities. there was the usual hugging and exchanging of email addresses and promises to stay in touch.
but it was different this time.
because every time someone said "will i see you next year" the answer wasn't "yes" or "maybe".
the answer was "no".
"no" because i am going on exchange. and at the end of the summer when you are buying notebooks and pencils and folders and stepping onto the bus for school, i will be buying my ticket and stepping onto a plane for another country.

and every time i look at a calendar, i remember:
in less than 10 days, i will be separated from my friends and family and everything that is safe and comfortable.
in less than 10 days i will be flying across the ocean toward my new country, toward my new family, toward my new home.
in less than 10 days, i will be gone.

rivers, rapids, and what I learned about exchange while rafting

i ride the rapids for a reason.

well, that was rather cryptic. let me explain.

about a month ago, i went rafting with a youth group. the guide on our raft asked us to think about the river and what we could learn from it. at first i thought that was weird and a little too pocahontas-y--you know, "colors of the riverbend" or however that song goes--but because i enjoy thinking, i thought about it anyway.

and i realized that i am approaching a rapid very quickly--i am going to switzerland--and that scares me as if it WERE a rapid. and it frightens me, because people tell me stories about europe and horror stories about exchange and ask me why on earth i would want to go until i'm not even sure myself anymore. until i'm asking why. until i'm doubting ever riding the rapid in the first place.

but there, on the river, i realized why i want to go. it's for the same reason i want to ride the rapids. they are scary, yes, and they are mostly optional, yes, and in some ways they also carry danger. but at the same time, there are things you learn from the rapids that you never find on the smooth water. there's a joy and courage and strength and exhilaration that comes from riding the rapids--that feeling of victory and the thrill of being a part of what you really want to do. and if this is my rapid, my adventure, then i need to pursue it.

---

to put it another way: have you ever felt like maybe everything was too easy? not too easy in the way that nothing is hard enough... more too easy in the way that it's hard at the beginning, but after a couple days/weeks/months it becomes easier. commonplace. and not hard anymore.

and haven't you ever longed for something that would present a constant challenge? that would become your life, that would be something you live day in and day out? something that wouldn't become easier, but that would challenge you physically and mentally and socially all the time?

because i want something like that. i want to know that i am being challenged and that i have a story worth telling. and for me, that is the one thing that holds me to exchange--the fact that it is a growing experience like nothing i've ever seen before.

i'm not ready

the most common question i get now:
"are you ready?"

and normally i smile and say yes, sure, absolutely, thrilled, etc.
but i thought about it and i realized that no, i'm not.

it freaks me out to think that i will be getting on a plane and living without my family and friends here for a year. i feel too young and too inexperienced and too whatever to possibly be ready.

but every time i've ever felt scared and worried and stressed about something that i know i want to do, i've felt unready. and somehow by the time i am doing it, i am ready. i'm not sure what happens inside when i become ready... there's only the fact  that when the moment of truth comes, i am. and i trust myself to know when i will be.

so no, i'm not ready.

but you know what?

i will be.

questions I've been asked recently

So you're going on exchange... you're so lucky! That's like one long vacation, right?
::stands there in surprise and shock::

::coughs::

excuse me while I go laugh my head off in a corner...

The short answer is no. it is not a vacation, although it totally made my day when one person asked that. :)

slightly longer answer: I will be working--and working hard--on exchange. It would probably be much easier and more vacation-like for me to stay home, where I know the language and the culture and I have friends. When I go on exchange, I will be attending high school in a different language in another culture with people I've never met. I'm homeschooled, so that means that I'll be adjusting to "real school" as well. It will be difficult, trust me.

Then again, I don't think that life was created for the purpose of avoiding work.

So you're going to Sweden?

um, no. I'm going to Switzerland :)

Switzerland... where is that?

It's smack-dab in the middle of Europe, just below Germany, above Italy and to the right of France. It's also a really tiny country, which is fantabulous.
I will be staying in the village of Magden, which is approximately 3 miles from the German border and 15 miles from the French border. If you're looking at a map, it is in the upper left hand corner of Switzerland. My school is in Muttenz, so I will be taking the bus/train to get there every morning.

Will you take classes in English, or do you need to speak Swiss?

Swiss isn't a language. That's sort of like if someone asked you whether you spoke American or United-Statesian. Just because you live in another country doesn't mean you all have your own language.
There are four official languages in Switzerland: German, French, Italian, and Romansh. I will be living and studying in the German part.

German? So you won't have any classes in English? Won't that be hard for you?
Um. Probably?
But I'm excited to learn the language, as nerdy and pathetic as that may sound (yes, I admit it. I am a pathetic nerd. you can stop reading my blog now...) German is a really amazing language and with so much immersion I should become fluent, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Do your parents know about this?

No. I'm running away. shhh.

...

Haha, just kidding. Yes, they do know about this.

When do you leave?
I'm leaving in the first week of August. My travel agency hasn't set a specific date yet, which means that I'm packing in the next month and waiting for the call/email that will let me know when I'm about to leave.

and yes, I am excited.
very.

(not) in captivity

Some exchange students say they can't wait to leave, that they have to get out of their hole of a house/school/town/etc., that going abroad is going to be such an amazing escape.

Except that I don't feel like that.
I don't want to escape. I honestly don't feel like there is much to escape from. I'm happy with where I am, for the most part, and I am worried about leaving that for a whole entire year.

As poetic as it sounds, I have to admit that I don't feel like a caged bird. I have no need to get away from the world I am in now. If Rotary called and told me that my exchange was dropped, I would be sad. I would be depressed. I would probably cry. But I don't think my life would fall apart.

Is that horrible? Because I want very badly to go, don't get me wrong. There are millions of reasons why I want to go, and I have no intention of dropping this exchange ever. I am going to work on my exchange and I am going to work hard.

But I am worried, because somehow the need that seems to be pushing others is not pushing me. I don't hate my friendships here. I don't hate my town. I don't hate Americans in general.

And it makes me wonder: Do I have to? Will I not exchange well if I don't hate my home country?

Because I want to embrace Switzerland, come into the culture with an open mind, learn the language and understand the people and make friends. I do.

I just don't think I have to hate America to love Switzerland.

surreal

"It seemed that all around me was a smooth bubble, clear enough to see through, but strong enough to keep me inside... I imagined pores in this bubble ball that could let in streams of things from the outside, so I could examine them and poke them back out again if I didn't like them..."

--Bloomability, Sharon Creech

i've just come home from the rotary district conference, where everything was new and we were feeling the same things and learning the same things and ready to travel the world. but now, i sit here in my house with everything familiar around me, and i wonder what exactly i think i am doing.

because in less than 80 days now, i will be in switzerland.

i will be in another country with foreign languages spoken all around me.

i will be living with another family.

i will be without the friends i know now and the schedules i have here.

i will be halfway around the world.

for a year.

and yet, as close as it is, i somehow can't seem to make it feel true. i know that it's coming, and i know that i don't have much time left. as ridiculous as it sounds, i feel like i'm going to wake up any minute now. 

it's just that everything feels so distant. i know that there have been hundreds, thousands, of exchange students before me. i know that they have done this before. but somehow their world seems so far away from mine.

so very very far away.