days > 500 -- living

advice for future exchange students #30:

moving on is hard.
in more ways than one.
some of them you will handle well,
and others you will handle not-so-well,
but i guess that's life.

over the past six months, i have learned something important about myself. 

i am the type of person who lives in the present.

this is not always a good thing.

i am great at caring for people with immediate needs, i am constantly thinking "oh i wonder how i can make this better, i wonder if i can help with that, i wonder if this could be organized", i am good at focusing on one thing and throwing myself completely into it.

but. 

i am awful at keeping in touch with people, i am constantly thinking "oh, i should talk to them, but maybe they've forgotten me, oh i'd better not", i am bad at doing the basic little things that long-distance (or any distance, really) friendships require.

and i am not proud of that.

i think, for any exchanger to actually continue life after exchange, you have to be able to balance your past, your present and your future. which sounds half-mystic and half-disney, but it's true.

i am not good at balancing my past. :/

and i'm working on it.

so, with that in mind, here's what has happened in the past, present, and future:

past:

• i was in a production of Robin Hood, which turned out to be a majorly growing experience in my life. it was exhausting and draining and nervewracking and wonderful. 
• also, my sister and i went to Nicaragua to study Spanish. that was exciting. you can read about it on our (half-finished) blog here.
• New Year week was a crazy mix of being sick, of snorkeling and Hawaiian pastries, of essays and college applications, of auditions and journaling and late-night conversations.

present:

• taking classes at community college to finish out my year
• doing theater, which is fantastic
• realizing that people here mean a TON to me, and wondering how i could ever leave
• but at the same time, wondering what life outside my own little corner is like
• which is confusing

future:

• college? travel? life? EVERYTHING IS A GIANT QUESTION MARK HELP.
• i am finding out that while exchange made me much more sure of who i am as a person...
• ...it made me much less sure of what i want to do.

anyway. that's your (long overdue) update for anyone who still reads this little blog.

love love love,

hannah

this is what it feels like to be home again

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...not really caring about public embarrassment-- being too loud or too crazy or too strange-- ever again. because you speak the language and you understand the culture, and so nothing you do here can ever be more embarrassing than all the stupid things you did THERE. you are now immune to actual public humiliation.

mostly.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...you probably cry a lot more than is normal. you can't watch movies whenever anyone says goodbye to anyone else. this is both somewhat comforting (everyone thinks you're just crying over the animated character) and embarrassing (because, well, everyone thinks you're just crying over an animated character).

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...being frustratingly unable to communicate your thoughts in a logical fashion. i'm trying, really i am, but i just can't english right now.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...looking at old pictures and wondering sometimes if the whole entire year was a very elaborate and interesting dream. it feels so far away and separate from your life here.

...putting on a pair of boots and realizing that they've walked streets in paris and rome and venice.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...sometimes, you don't know who you are. because you were so different on exchange, and you FEEL different now, but people want you to be the person they remember.
and sometimes you are, and sometimes you aren't.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...recognizing that while some people 

didn't really notice you were gone,

there are some other people who care about you. a lot.

and you don't really know why, 

or how, or exactly when that happened,

only that they do.

...and it makes life easier.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...leaving one life and then creating a new one.

...having little pieces of that life somehow everywhere, in a lovely and scary way.

...learning to appreciate every moment that you have.

questions i've been asked recently, part iii: what i say and what i mean

How was your trip?
what i say: "it was great!"
what i mean: "it was not a trip. it was home. it was my life for an entire year. it was not a trip. why are you saying it's a trip."
"oh wait, i'm probably overreacting to this."
"i'm sorry."
"well, anyway, it was fantastic."

Do you miss Switzerland?
what i say: "yes. so much."
(and then i laugh and change the subject.)
what i mean: "there are no words to describe it. there aren't. and i miss it and i don't want to miss it because it hurts so much and so i'm dealing with this by not talking about it so let's not talk about it."
"except i do. want to talk about it, i mean."
"i just, i'm not sure if you're okay with me melting into a puddle right here."

tell me something about your exchange year!
what i say: (laughing) "gosh, where to start... what do you want to know about?"
what i mean: "ahhhhh you are amazing."
"wait. do you actually want to hear all this?"
"are you sure?"
"are you really really sure?"
 "...and do you have seven hours to spend listening to me ramble?"

why didn't you respond to my emails/letters/texts?
what i say: "um."
what i mean: "gahhhhhh I AM SO SORRY. seriously, i am the worst long-distance communicator in the history of ever. this does not mean that you don't matter-- on the contrary, it means that you matter very much (because i'm talking to you now) and that once again i've proven my ability to lose contact with multiple people in a very short time. i'm really, really sorry and i love you very much. let's have a conversation right now."

I speak German too!
what i say: "that's awesome! where did you learn it?"
what i mean: "you are now my new favorite person. can we go talk in a corner? or actually can you just speak german to me for the next three days because i miss the sound of this language so much and i'm super afraid of losing it forever and i'm resorting to children's cartoons on youtube JUST so i can hear german again..."

::sighs:: ah, Switzerland. the most beautiful place in the world, isn't it?
what i say: "yes."
"yes it is."
what i mean: "yes."
"yes it is."

my first 100 days-- again

"and... i had two contrasting feelings. 

one was complete happiness, as if i was back in a comfortable place 

with people i knew and who knew me. 

the other feeling was complete and overwhelming homesickness. 

it was as if the two feelings were taking turns, 

and i was waiting to see which one would win." 

-- bloomability, sharon creech

my three-month theory about exchange -- the idea that after three months, you are exchanging "for real" and you are more than just a tourist-- isn't exactly a secret. that is, it's not anything particularly special or brilliant or life-changing. it's just a theory, a theory that happens to hold true for a lot of things; after 100 days (a little longer than three months), you have to change. 

and so i shouldn't have been surprised when, yesterday, i hit my one hundred days.

but i still was.

people laugh, sometimes, when i say that i'm homesick. they think i'm being funny on purpose. but the thing is-- i AM homesick. i'm homesick for places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i've loved, because to me switzerland is home. 

i'm sorry if that sounds ridiculously stupid.

(actually, i'm not sorry.)

(go on exchange yourself and then come back and tell me it sounds stupid to call your host country home. I DARE YOU.)

anyway.

at the same time, i love oregon. i never realized how much i HAD missed my life here until i came back... because here, as well, are places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i love. even though i hated the US when I first got back, coming home forced me to recognize that portland, oregon, is home as well.

and i've missed it.

more than eleven months ago, i was sitting on my bed exulting in the fact that i was finally more than a tourist. more than a visitor in a foreign land. more than some random weird crazy girl who didn't belong.

and now here i sit, and i'm posting this because i'm finally, finally, FINALLY more than a tourist. more than a visitor in my own land.

because finally i am someone who feels, 

in her own random weird crazy way, 

that she belongs.

update: changes, purpose, and other semi-boring things

hey guys!

i've planned a lot of changes to this blog in the past month, and today, they are finally beginning to come to fruition! hooray!

the main change today is the blog name... the banner above this post now reads "oh the bloomabilities" instead of "hannah goes adventuring". this was actually the original name of the blog (read why here) and now that i'm home from exchange, it's going to stay that way.

the blog itself will continue, just in a different form. as a rotary exchange student, we learn that there are three stages of exchange: outbound (leaving from your home country), inbound (being in your host country), and rebound (returning to your home country after your year abroad). so with that in mind, i'll still continue writing.... just in a slightly different capacity, as a return exchanger instead of as a current one.

"hannah goes adventuring" will also continue, but as my personal/normal blog -- and therefore using a different web address, focus, and timeline. hopefully that'll be up in the next month, so keep an eye out!

in the next month or so, i'll be entering school, applying for college, and doing all that senior-year-drama stuff, so i WILL be busy. but i mean hey, at least it's all in a language i speak and understand! ;) i will also be a part of rotary, and i'll attempt to keep updating with the process. once an exchange student, always an exchange student.

that's it for now!
♥♥♥,
hannah

days > 365 -- blooming

advice for future exchange students #29:

take time to bloom.

seriously. do what makes you happy,

but most importantly,

do what makes you grow and learn and change.

that's what matters.

(yes, i'm skipping ahead about 100 days from my most recent countdown update. explanation below.)

the last 100 days of my exchange were amazing... and i decided to prioritize enjoying my exchange, making memories, spending time with the people i care about, etc. which means that i neglected my blog.
for those of you who keep track of me via this blog, i'm really sorry-- but i did have amazing and wonderful experiences and i WILL share them! only, not exactly in real time. ;)

the sharp pain of goodbyes IS a real thing, and reverse culture shock is ALSO totally a real thing, and secondhomesickness/hostsickness is also a VERY. REAL. THING. but i'm learning, and i'm changing, and i like to believe that this is helping me to grow up. to "bloom", if you want to be super cheesy.

so, here's what Hannah has been doing in the past no-longer-blogging-days: (not chronologically)

• came home.
• said a lot of tearful goodbyes. my class, my families, my friends... i'm awful at goodbyes and prolonging them over a few weeks was not the best way to go. also, i cried for one and a half hours in my first flight to the US.
• saw The Fault In Our Stars in German. still have not seen it in english... hmmm...
• dreamed and is dreaming in Swiss German. still. :/
• went to summer camp.
• celebrated my bestie's birthday.
• went on a camping trip with my family (a very long one) and realized just how unused i am to road trips. TWO HOURS in the car?!? WHAT???
• went on an extended-family vacation at the beach. Oregon Coast, i have missed you.
• spoke Swiss German (hooray!) with the conference speaker at our beach vacation center. it blessed me so much and made me ridiculously happy. 
• went to my first American Rotary meeting in a year. it was amazing to realize just how much people in this group have invested in me and my exchange, and to get a chance to thank them for that. Rotary has problems sometimes, yes, but overall, it basically rocks.
• speaking of Rotary, our Rebound (returning exchange student) weekend finished today! I can't believe how much we've changed in the past year, and how much all of us have learned. it's probably one of the weirdest and yet most amazing shifts i've ever seen.
• and this year no longer terrifies me or worries me as much as it used to. because i am realizing how much more i am capable of.

that's it for now!

love love love,

hannah

how lucky i am

"how lucky i am to have something

that makes saying goodbye so hard."

--winnie the pooh

whenever people tell you why you should study abroad, they tell you the good things.
they tell you that you'll learn about yourself, that you'll speak a new language and adjust to a new culture.

but what they don't tell you is that it hurts.

sure, it hurts to be away from home and to bite the dust in language and to constantly embarrass yourself in foreign etiquette. that's normal. but it's not that bad.

what hurts is the missing. the countdown of days. the awareness that you will be both returning home and leaving home at the same time, the feeling of constantly saying goodbye, the knowledge that your year is about to end.

it is unpredictable, because it creeps up on you at strange times -- in math class, or lying awake at night, or walking through a crowded city street --  and it makes you frustrated, because you don't understand. you don't see how in less than 12 months, one can fall in love... not with a person or a thing, but with an entire country... and you are upset at yourself for not seeing it earlier. for not, somehow, avoiding this ache.

and yet you ask yourself if you would give up this year, this crazy tangled beautiful mess of a year full of excitement and disappointment and learning about yourself and making stupid mistakes and overdramatizing and having heart-to-heart talks and traveling and making memories and dreaming bigger than you've ever dreamed in your entire life...
no, you wouldn't. not really.


and because your goodbyes hurt,
because the thought of leaving is painful,
because this is so hard,

you realize
how lucky you really are.

an open letter to the newbies

dear newbies:

congratulations on being the luckiest kids in the world. you are about to have what will probably be the most memorable year of your life so far.

do not underestimate the importance of spontaneity and simply enjoying your life here. but, in the event that you WOULD like advice, here are some things to remember...

us as newbies!

1. don't stress.

but seriously, don't. one, it isn't worth your time, and two, sometimes it's better to just enjoy the moment. the year will be over before you know it. prioritize, yes, and figure out what you're looking for in your exchange year, yes. but take a couple minutes every so often to breathe and laugh and realize the complete beauty and total ridiculousness of you being in another country.

i regret not figuring out that sometimes, i should just take life as it happened to me. (chill out, by the way, Past Hannah. you're stressing out too much to be healthy.) and that sometimes, your exchange will hold lovely surprises. the key isn't to prepare wildly, the key is to welcome them in and stop complaining.

which is another point...

2. if you have an issue, figure it out. make yourself heard.

you will be on your own for a lot of this year, and you will be required to deal with your own problems sometimes. if you can't, you need to communicate that you can't... clearly. your host parents are wonderful, but there are times when you just need to raise your voice and let them know that there IS a blocked bathtub turning the downstairs washroom into a swimming pool, and can they please help you with it NOW?

farewell weekend for OUR oldies

other times you will be required to take control of your own issues and solve them. if you are not already, you will probably become good at a) reading maps in foreign languages or b) navigating the transit system better than the locals do or c) getting lost in large cities and enjoying it. possibly all three!

but there are other times when the problem just can't be fixed. which means that,

3. sometimes, you need to shut up and deal with it.

this doesn't mean staying silent in the face of evil. this just means that sometimes, you will get so caught up in what's wrong with your exchange that you don't realize the obvious: you're on exchange, and that's wonderful! be grateful, duh.

also, the food is delicious. i don't care what you think of it now. it's delicious. and you WILL miss it when you get back to your home country, so make the most of your opportunities now. this applies to other things, not just food: language, culture, travel... stop complaining and work on enjoying life.

newbies and oldies-- exchange is a family

 4. invest in things that last.

make friendships. get to know people who come from different states and countries and continents. because you know what? you didn't come on exchange to be comfortable. anyone can stay home and be comfortable. you came to grow, and that takes guts.

so don't undermine that by staying inside your comfort zone.

 i have met some of the most brilliant and talented and fun people on exchange, and it blows my mind to think that i call them friends. so go. enjoy the world. there is life outside your front door, i promise.

5. ignore this.

well, don't ignore it completely. but do realize that this is a very limited amount of advice coming from a still-more-limited source, and that every exchange is different. my counsel might be completely wrong for your exchange, and that's fine.

know yourself, and question yourself, and feel free to disregard things that aren't right for you. but mostly, remember that you're ON EXCHANGE, you're adventuring, you're free...

and honestly, isn't that the most wonderful feeling in the world?

spring's lovely links

hey, look what i found in the deep dark archives of my blog!
i completely forgot that i have these...

thoughtcatalog's How You Know You've Found Where You Belong is a great piece. it's also written by a studyabroad-er, although he's in England and i'm in Switzerland.
another good article is this one about the friends you make while studying abroad. gotta love those exchangers from around the world.

my experiences in paris were, thankfully, all good (except for a brief episode of getting lost one day, haha) but this made me laugh so i'm going to share it anyway. travel writing at its best, folks.

one of my newbies has a blog and you should check it out. he's an aussie, his name is vincent and he takes amazing photos. look i'm in this post!

one of my fellow oldies (evan), meanwhile, posted something about happiness a while back. you should also look at that, because he is a talented writer and a pretty awesome person. (also he can play guitar, which is worth a bazillion points in my book.)

i will end with cailler's chocolate study from last year. look at all the awesomeness in this post, you guys.
(it's in german, though. so hit the translate button or something.)

days > 250 -- traveling

piece of advice for future exchange students #29:

explore.

explore even if you don't really know what you're looking for.

it'll be worth it, i promise.

aaand once again updates come super late on this blog. BUT that's a good thing! it means that i am enjoying my life here and am too busy to blog. as my return date gets closer, my exchange gets more packed and blogging drops to the bottom of my list of priorities... :P

things i've done in the 10ish days before i was supposed to post this update:

• went to ticino with my new host family!!! it was beautiful.
• also, it snowed. in april. fail. :/
• but on the bright side we went to a market in italy and that was fun. also we celebrated easter and biked from bellinzona to locarno and spent a lot of time just chilling on the mountain. 
• speaking of which: i have discovered that i really, really love biking in Europe. it's different from biking in the USA, and somehow lovelier, and i would honestly bike a lot more places if i didn't also love the public transportation system in Switzerland haha. sometimes i wonder why cars even exist... and then i remember how big the United States actually are, and my question is answered...
• went to schaffhausen! which, by the way, is highly recommended. i've never been to niagara, but schaffhausen is pretty impressive as the swiss version.
• went cantonhopping. i visited five in one day... no small feat. o.O
• visited Konstanz (still have no idea what day that was) with Ryan. that was interesting. Also we bought flags. Except one was square and one was rectangular, which we didn't realize until we both got home... :P
• saw the burning of the böög in zürich. it was basically like a very small very rainy very sad fasnacht. the highlight was the exploding snowman. how sad. BASEL FOR THE WIN, people. ;)
• i am realizing that there is no place i would rather exchange than in switzerland. sure, the rest of europe is cheaper, and south america would be exciting, and asia would be wonderfully exotic. but i love switzerland, i love its size and its traditions and its culture and its mix of languages, and i wouldn't want to be anywhere else.

love,

han

my life as a disney movie: or, why exchange is basically exactly the same thing as tangled

1. When you live in your home country, life is good. you're busy, you're productive, you're successful by most normal standards.

and yet somehow you've always, just vaguely, wanted to know what the world is like. what things are different on the other side of the globe. what lies beyond the world you've always known.

2. a lot of people tell you life outside is dangerous. scary. life-threatening, even. they tell you they care about you and they don't want to see you fail. they tell you you are safe here, there is no reason to leave.

it scares you.

3.  at the same time, you feel ridiculously cool and exciting whenever you tell someone your plans for the next year. (yay! finally! plans!) 

i mean, look at how independent you are.

...most of the time.

4. as soon as that airplane door closes, you realize that you are actually really truly doing this. it is a feeling of exhilaration and terrifiedness at the same time.

but mostly terrifiedness.

5. when you first enter your host country, everything is exactly like you dreamed! it's wonderful and amazing and beautiful and AHHHHHHH. you're in heaven.

6. then, somewhere along the way, you start realizing the consequences of your decisions. your attitude changes five times approximately every two seconds. it's very dramatic.

7. you meet the rotarians. they are scary.

then you get over it and realize they've all got dreams too. language is different and culture is different, but people are simply people, all over the world. 

(hooray for disney bonding time.)

8. you meet a lot of wonderful people.

you see a lot of wonderful things.

and you fall in love with this country.

9. you realize that you have been somehow preparing for this all your life -- that your study abroad has crept into all parts of your existence and permeated it with the love of the unknown, the need for adventure.

you belong where you are unsafe and uncomfortable and awkward. you have made friends and lived through disaster and grown up a little more here. you've found that you are more capable than you know.

and most importantly,

adventures still lie ahead.

a little note for context:

my host family and i were watching Tangled (in German, it's called simply "Rapunzel") one weekend, and I realized just how much it mirrored my life on exchange. enjoy!

days > 240 -- growing

piece of advice for future exchange students #28:

invest in things that matter.

i've realized that when i leave, i probably won't remember parties. or clothing. i will not remember the various touristy souvenirs that i've bought or the sandwiches that we ate on the train.
i will remember people. i will remember families and friends and long conversations in hotel rooms during the rotary trips. i will remember crazy group selfies and running to catch our trains and getting lost in a city with friends.

and so i've decided to put my time into those things.

what i did in the 10ish days before I was SUPPOSED to post this:

• Italy adventuring!!! it lasted for 6 days. and they were way too short.
• we spent a boatload of time on the train. good thing we're in Switzerland and are used to hours of train time in Europe. also it's a good thing that train travel is my favorite way to travel. 
• by the way-- I have no idea what the USA does or how we survive without trains. what are we supposed to do? drive? 
• Venice: rode vaporettos along the Grand Canal, rode an elevator up the clock tower and saw Venice from above, ate the best gelato ever, got ridiculously lost every time we tried to go anywhere, bought masks, had pizza, took pictures, bonded over shopping and mangling of the german language.
• Rome: got lost again, wandered through streets and ate panini sandwiches, tried not to get mobbed by other tourists, successfully found but did not successfully visit the catacombs, saw the vatican, was overwhelmed by the beauty of the Petersdom and the Sistine Chapel, celebrated Sarah's birthday, ate burgers, got closer to both old and new friends, learned the basic minimum amount of Italian required to get by, avoided a protest, simply enjoyed what used to be the cultural center of the world.
• came to a new appreciation of Swiss trains, safety, food in general but specifically bread, and cleanliness. Italy is a lovely place to see. Switzerland is a lovely place to live. :)
• tada, highlights. there is so much that i could write about, but i'll keep most of my stories to myself for now. this is an update, which means it should be relatively short :P

ciao for now,

hannah

days > 230 -- closing

piece of advice for future exchange students #27:
for me, a countdown to my return helps. for others, it doesn't.
that doesn't matter so much, though.
because in the end it isn't about counting the last days,
but about making the last days count.

as of right now (the 23rd of April, because I'm really really bad at posting updates regularly), my return date is still mostly a secret. what I will say is that i'm coming home in less than 100 days, and it is crazy for me to think about.

i do want to go back.

i don't want to leave.

things that happened in the 10ish days before I was SUPPOSED to post this update:

• arranged a Glacier Express trip. a group of us exchangers basically rode a train through the mountains for 5 and a half hours together. it was fun.
• I went away for the weekend with my second host family! we went to Splüger, in Graubünden (the eastish side of Switzerland). It was lovely.
• my second host family is extremely traditional-Swiss in that they're organized and punctual and appreciate very Swiss things :) so it was a nice cultural-vacation too. We went sledding, visited two cheese factories (also a post to come about that, hopefully), hiked through the mountains, etc., etc. .
• oh yes. I ate a lot of fresh cheese. if you've never had fresh cheese, I recommend it simply as an experience worth having. :)
• watched Die Physiker, a show thing at my school. One of my classmates was in it. both he and the show were wonderful.
• a couple months ago my art project was nominated for an international comics-festival in Luzern, so I went to that. it was exciting to see my comic with the top 20 out of more than 700 entries, haha.
• art is a universal language.
• it was nice to be reminded of that.

love,

han

days > 220 -- following

piece of advice for future exchange students #26:

pay attention to the advice of those who have gone before you.

usually, they have important things to say.

In my second week of vacation, I stayed with a former exchange student (she went on exchange to Argentina two and a half years ago). It was 1) probably the best week of my life in Switzerland [except for Vienna which doesn't count because technically I wasn't IN Switzerland at the time] and 2) unexpectedly and wonderfully like a real family.

For me, since I'm used to being the oldest at home, having a big sister was awesome. I recommend the experience.

things I've done in the past 10ish days (not really. haha these updates are getting later and later...):

• rode a sailboat across Lago Maggiore. to ITALY. I CAN RIDE A SAILBOAT TO ITALY YOU GUYS.
• went to Fasnacht. hopefully a post will be written in depth about Fasnacht sometime later. If not... well, sorry guys, but I have a life. ;)
• went to Germany and had brunch. for like 7 euros or less. probably the best brunch I've ever had. WHY CAN'T I LIVE IN GERMANY.
• actually, i wouldn't particularly want to live in Germany. but it's a nice idea to have.
• got stuffed with confetti at Basel Fasnacht. this basically means that people in colored masks run up behind you with about 5 kilos of colored paper and shove the whole lot down your shirt. hooray. (you will then proceed to shed confetti everywhere. two months later, you will still find small bits of colored paper in your bed, your shoes, your suitcase, and your sock drawer. don't even ask why. it is one of the lasting mysteries of Fasnacht.)
• I was stuffed 12 times in a 10-hour period. I think I'm a talented person?
• watched endless Fasnacht skits and songs and general traditional things. there is truly nothing like Swiss Fasnacht in the USA. I am still not sure if that is a good or a bad thing.
• kidding. Fasnacht is wonderful.
• met the newbies :) more newbies. newbies everywhere.
• i'm super jealous. they have a whole year to spend here. and yet, I realize that even if I stayed... this period in my life is ending. it's ending for all of us. and I wish I could freeze this moment in time and stay in it forever.
• but life goes on. and i have to accept that.

I would write more, but I honestly have no idea what I did during that period of time. I live in the now. ;)

love,

Han

i am in love

note: the following post was written about a month ago in the train, but i didn't actually get around to posting it until just now. 

it's very short and also unedited, so just consider it a snapshot of my feelings at the moment.

I'm in the Gotthard Tunnel on a very long train ride, and I'm riding alone so I have plenty to write in my journal and plenty of time to do it. it's the nice thing about trains, the ability to always write and to lose yourself in writing. it's different from a plane or a bus or a car or really anything else. 

and i just realized something-- I am in love with the trains. 

I am in love with German and Italian and French. I am in love with chocolate and cheese and traveling and multilingual greetings and watches and history and snow. I am in love with strong mountains, fields that never end, villages nestled deep in valleys and streams bluer than the sky in summer. 

it's just wonderful, beautiful, and I realize that what I am really in love with is Switzerland. 

I am in love with this country.
and a part of my heart will always be here,
because Switzerland has changed me. 

and I don't want my old life back.

days > 210 -- speaking

piece of advice for exchange students #25:

one day, you will wake up and find 

that you have gained more than simply the ability 

to communicate in another language.

you have gained the ability to make yourself heard.

a couple of instances (all right, more than a couple) in the past couple days have brought me to the realization that I am capable of much more than I think, communication-wise.

this doesn't mean that i am native-fluent-level in the language, as much as i wish :( but i am able to communicate my feelings and my thoughts and my ideas in German and in Swiss German. and while it is still an enormous challenge, i can do it. i can speak my own words in my own voice in another language. i can make myself heard.

things i've done in the past 10-ish days (the past meaning before 20 days... again, i'm still working on updating this blog in a timely fashion):

• found out that my artwork (a school project) was one of a few nominated for an international comics festival contest. so that was exciting.
• got published in my school's newspaper! i'm actually super happy about this, although it was rather embarrassing when the paper first came out. my piece was originally written in german literature class when my teacher had to find something for me to do... it describes my life at the beginning of my exchange and my feelings both before and after the first three months. and my german teacher wanted to print it in the paper!
• went to Neuchatel (french part) and explored a castle with my friend James. also we played chess.
• I CUT MY OWN HAIR.
• and it wasn't actually that bad!
• survived the week before vacations. it involved a presentation and four tests. oh, and speaking of the presentation...
• ... I mentioned this briefly in my last update, but I successfully made a presentation with my friend in music class. it involved a demonstration, a powerpoint, several printout sheets, and an oral part of about 10 minutes... not that big of a deal for me in English, but HUGE in German. I'm exceedingly proud of myself for writing it (although really, he did all the editing of my horrible German grammar, so he's the one who should feel truly proud haha.)
• i also received the compliment of my life when he told me I should stop using the internet to translate because my German was better than Google's. day. made.
• (okay, so I'm not absolutely sure if that's true or not. but it still made me happy.)

en fin :)

hannah

being an asian-american on exchange part II: assumptions, culture, and claiming myself

(the following pictures are from a chocolate factory
and have absolutely nothing to do with this post...)

since my last post, i've come to a realization.
i am dealing with nothing that i don't want, that i am unprepared for, or that i cannot handle.

i'm not.

yes, being asian american does cause problems for me that people don't think about. and yes, i've dealt with rudeness and ignorance and problems. and that sucks.

but guess what? every kid who comes on exchange needs to be prepared for that.

when I signed up for exchange, I didn't do so thinking it would be easy. In fact, I knew that it wouldn't be.
I knew that people would make assumptions about me and my life, simply because I did not belong in their country. I knew I would be answering thought-provoking, funny, and sometimes ignorant questions about how I lived, what I ate, who I was. I knew that I would be representing my culture alone in the middle of foreign life.

I just didn't realize that because of who I am, I would be representing two cultures and not one.

because I am American, people expect me to be American... but they also expect me to be Chinese. They want to ask what I know about America, but they also expect me to know about China and Asia in general and the culture and traditions and current events there.
I have always, always considered myself American and fully American. and I still do think of myself that way. but I've learned some surprising things about myself in the past couple months.

I've learned that I'm painfully un-American when it comes to popular culture, because I fail to recognize all but the most important names and faces. it's rather odd to see that my Swiss friend, who has never been to the USA in her entire life, is familiar with more American television and American movies and American pop stars than I am.
I've also learned that I'm much more Asian than I thought I was. I eat foods that my other American friends don't eat, I've grown up with both New Year celebrations, I even value slightly different things than they do.

I live my life in that strange place between cultures, 
too American to be typically Asian and too Asian to be typically American.

but I am from the USA, and culture mixing is normal.
I am normal. and it is ridiculous for me to be frustrated or upset or apologetic about it, because it is simply who I am and how I have grown up.

So what have I learned?

I have learned to assume the best from people. I have learned to let some things go. I have learned that uneducated people live all over the world, and I have learned not to take them all personally. I have learned that there is a difference between assumptions and genuine curiosity. I have learned to answer graciously. I have learned that laughter builds relationships faster than being offended does.

and all of this has made my exchange richer, it's made me adapt to my host country and my home
country, it's helped me gain a totally different perspective.

in fact, i wouldn't change it for the world.

being an asian-american on exchange: frustration, barriers, and defining me

As a US-American on exchange, I've had the opportunity to challenge a lot of common beliefs about my home country. I don't have a Southern accent, I'm not a cheerleader, I'm (relatively) intelligent. Most importantly, I'm Asian. As in Not White.

This has been really great in a lot of ways. Since Europeans know a lot about American culture but very little about Asian culture, it makes me feel foreign and interesting to explain Chinese New Year or to describe lion dancing. It's an extra bonus to be able to pretend I don't speak English, just so that the street vendors will go away and stop bothering me.

At the same time, though, I've gotten the most racist and ignorant questions and assumptions ever. Most of them make me laugh. Some of them make me sad. A few make me angry.

It was funny at the beginning to see people double-take at the news that I'm an American, and funnier still if they ended up complimenting my English. It was funny to explain that I don't speak fluent Chinese, neither do my parents, and yes, I am indeed an American citizen. It was funny to get questions about whether I was adopted or whether I'd be allowed to marry someone who wasn't Chinese.

But to be honest? Right now, I'm sick of it.

I'm sorry to put that out there, but it's true. I am sick of people constantly assuming I am from Japan or China or Korea (by the way, people, there ARE other Asian countries). I am sick of people insisting I tell them where I'm REALLY from. I'm sick of people who ask me if I want to go "back" to China, who ask me if I can see out of my eyes or if I can read Japanese and Korean and Thai or how I can tell Asians apart.

I just want to be treated like a real person.
Is that too much to ask?

And it bothers me, that I cannot simply float into Europe and fit in. That whenever I walk into a room, people immediately know that I am not originally Swiss, or German, or Italian, or French. That I have to try doubly hard to adapt and to fit in. That simply by right of birth, I have more cultural barriers to climb than most of the other American exchangers do.

But at the same time, I'm realizing how much I am defined by my heritage. My heritage, both Chinese and American.


The way I look tells people that I am Chinese. The way I speak tells people that I am American.
And I wish that people could see that it's not mutually exclusive. It is not that my family is Chinese and I am American, it is not that my language is English and my heritage Chinese, it is not that I am a twinkie or an egg or anything divided by color or race or country.

it is that I am Asian AND American, and I am still a person.

It is simply that I am who I am. 
Hannah.
and I wish that people could see that.

days > 200 -- comparing

piece of advice for future exchange students #24:

you'll come at some point to the realization

that your host country is not perfect.

in fact, it's pretty flawed.

but guess what?

that's okay.

so another of the things that i've been realizing in the past two months:

swiss culture can really bother me.

american culture can really bother me, too.

and you know what?
that's fine.

there are things that i can appreciate about both cultures, and there are things that i don't. and being open-minded does not mean i have to agree with everyone... it simply means that i can learn to learn from both.

things i've done in the past 10 days:

• took a french test and got a 2,9 (basically the equivalent of a D?) on it. i am ridiculously proud of myself haha.*
• went to the Cailler chocolate factory. Yay for chocolate. And friends. And Sarah's mom (okay, sorry, that was a really random inside joke). But definitely for chocolate.
• successfully wrote a presentation in GERMAN about the European crossflute. It was less of a flop than I thought it would be (probably due to the helpful editing of my project partner...) and I was extremely surprised to find that I can write a lot more in German than I thought I could.
• took a german literature test with my class and scored above a C ... better than the average! i'm actually super proud of this too. (and yes, my standards may have slipped a bit... but it's in GERMAN okay?)
• found that my swiss mum has more rules than i am used to. they're not bad, they're just different, and it's taken me a while to get used to the swiss cultural part of this.
• ignored about a dozen people who keep asking me where i'm from, no matter how many times i say the USA. YESIKNOWILOOKASIANBUTIAMALSOAMERICANNOWLEAVEMEALONEPLEASE.
• Luzerner Fasnacht! It's known for having parades and being louder and less organized than Basler Fasnacht, plus it's pretty fun.
• came to the realization that my chocolate tolerance is extremely high. i'm not going to tell you how much chocolate i bought and ate in a period of six hours, but i will say that it's probably not extremely healthy. ooops.
• spent some time getting to know the people on exchange who I DON'T hang out with very often. I'd love to talk to them more, it's just that we don't see each other very much. but I crashed at Evan's house in Luzern, and I had some fun/deep talks, and it was just pleasant to be free for a bit.
• saw Fribourg with Ryan. it was my first time ever in Fribourg and it was beautiful.
• went to a Heimatabend [traditional celebration in middleswitzerland, with singing and dancing and a play in Swiss German] and spent the night at my friend Maddie's house. that was also lovely :)

the end!

hannah

*that's because my french class is 5th-7th year french, plus is being taught in french, and i've had absolutely no french whatsoever before coming here. so it makes me proud :P

days > 190 -- enjoying

piece of advice for future exchange students #23:

sometimes, life turns out to be pretty amazing.

love it to the utmost.

(also, sleeping is mostly optional.)

things that i've done in the last 10ish days:

• TESSIN TESSIN TESSIN
• oh, okay. Tessin/Ticino is the Italian part of Switzerland. it is the most beautiful part ever. and my friend Sarah's host family has a vacation house there and they invited me to stay with them for three days!!! and basically it was wonderful and beautiful and I am in love with Italian.
• deep talks till 2am = happiness. (yes. that is indeed what we did every night. it was good.)
• met all the newbies at Engelberg weekend! that was fun. I love aussies. and kiwis. and our newbie latinos. 
• Engelberg weekend. smiles for days. 
• ...and probably one of the best weekends I've had this far, simply because by this time we're all friends. No, by this time we're basically family. a sometimes-difficult, sometimes-confusing, full-of-differences family... but a family nonetheless.