my first 100 days-- again

"and... i had two contrasting feelings. 

one was complete happiness, as if i was back in a comfortable place 

with people i knew and who knew me. 

the other feeling was complete and overwhelming homesickness. 

it was as if the two feelings were taking turns, 

and i was waiting to see which one would win." 

-- bloomability, sharon creech

my three-month theory about exchange -- the idea that after three months, you are exchanging "for real" and you are more than just a tourist-- isn't exactly a secret. that is, it's not anything particularly special or brilliant or life-changing. it's just a theory, a theory that happens to hold true for a lot of things; after 100 days (a little longer than three months), you have to change. 

and so i shouldn't have been surprised when, yesterday, i hit my one hundred days.

but i still was.

people laugh, sometimes, when i say that i'm homesick. they think i'm being funny on purpose. but the thing is-- i AM homesick. i'm homesick for places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i've loved, because to me switzerland is home. 

i'm sorry if that sounds ridiculously stupid.

(actually, i'm not sorry.)

(go on exchange yourself and then come back and tell me it sounds stupid to call your host country home. I DARE YOU.)

anyway.

at the same time, i love oregon. i never realized how much i HAD missed my life here until i came back... because here, as well, are places i've explored and languages i've heard and people that i love. even though i hated the US when I first got back, coming home forced me to recognize that portland, oregon, is home as well.

and i've missed it.

more than eleven months ago, i was sitting on my bed exulting in the fact that i was finally more than a tourist. more than a visitor in a foreign land. more than some random weird crazy girl who didn't belong.

and now here i sit, and i'm posting this because i'm finally, finally, FINALLY more than a tourist. more than a visitor in my own land.

because finally i am someone who feels, 

in her own random weird crazy way, 

that she belongs.

days > 120 -- familiarizing

advice for future exchange students #17:

you will eventually get to the point where you feel that you belong,

that this is your normal life,

but that point comes mostly when you belong in your group of friends.

I came to a funny conclusion the other day.

I have a very strange collection of various acquaintances and friend groups.

There is my Swiss class friends, and my exchange student friends here, and my exchange student friends at home, and the elderly people who are in my choir, and my debate friends and my church friends and my youth group friends and my siblings and the people who have known me forever.

it's a rather surprising mix. in fact, if you think about it, a lot of my friends would not get along with each other very well.

but the more types of people i meet,

the more i realize that they are just that... people. 

and that we all look to connect with each other.

things that have happened in the past 10-ish days:

• the upperlevel classes of Gymnasium are taking Matura this week, so all of our classes looked slightly different. This means that we ended up watching Pitch Perfect and Les Mis in class. It was cool.
• Also I ate "Asian food" in Basel, Switzerland.
• It was pretty awful, unfortunately. someone please send me the Portland foodcarts? I will love you forever and ever if you do.
• The days come and I'm realizing that our newbies are coming soon. Which also makes me realize that I have a little over half my exchange left. I'm still not exactly sure where the rest of it went.
• Rotary Christmas Dinner was lovely! I heard a blind singer and a lot of very classical music... but it wasn't bad, and it was nice to meet all the Rotarians :) Plus I have a new counselor who I happened to meet as well.
• I've gotten the opportunity to read some German books from my library... and guess what, I can understand them! But really, books exercise a completely different sort of vocabulary than speaking in normal conversation, so it's been good for me to read.
• I am writing in German. As you can see here. It's far from perfect, but it's a huge jump from what I could do three or four months ago (read: nothing). Also, ich bin stolz auf mich :)

and that's all for right now...

tschüss!!

my life in switzerland -- a german post!

So I wrote something in german while the rest of my class was writing essays...

I'd say that this is a pretty good indicator of my somewhat lacking German skills. (German speaking friends, please feel free to edit this.)

Anyway. Here you go. (And yes, I'll be posting the translation sometime afterwards... but I wrote this in German and so I have to rewrite it in English to post a translation.)

---

Als ich erst hier gekommen war, habe ich mich sechsmal in zwei Wochen im Bad eingeschlossen.

Alles war fremd... alles, von die Supermärkte zu die Kirchen zu die Fahrpläne, war anders als in Amerika. Ich fühlte mich, als ob alles waren speziell gemacht, um Ausländer zu verwirren. Und vielleicht das stimmt.

Das erste Ding war die Sprache.

Viele Leute haben gesagt, dass Deutsch eine einfache Sprache zu lernen ist. Leider, viele von diese Leute haben Deutsch nie gesprochen. Deutsch hat Aussprache, wer English-sprechende Leute brauchen nicht, und umgekehrt. Die Grammatik ist anders. Und die Artikeln. Und die Präpositionen. Und die Wörter.

Am Anfang habe ich viel gelernt. Ich habe immer Sprachen gern gehabt... aber Deutsch ist nicht wie Spanisch, oder Chinesisch, oder Lateinisch. Und nach den ersten Wochen, habe ich nicht so viel gelernt, weil es war schwieriger.

Es ist immer noch schwierig, und ich muss es jeden Tag schreiben und lesen und sprechen. Jetzt denke ich in Deutsch, aber es immer besser in meinem Gehirn ist, als wenn ich sprechen oder schreiben will.

Das zweite Ding war die Kultur.

Ob man möchtest, extrem peinlich zu sein, 24/7, für die nächste Jahr von sein Leben... er soll ein Austauschjahr machen. Eben, die einfachste Aufgaben waren schwierig zu verstehen, schwieriger zu erklären, und noch schwieriger zu machen. Ich habe immer das Gefühl gehabt, dass all die andere Leute lachen wurden, bei der Amerikanerin, wer nicht wusste, wie man die Bus-Tür öffnet.

Zum Beispiel, Schweizerzeit ist anders als Amerikanerzeit. Der Bus wartet nur eine Minute für eine Haltestelle. Die Züge kommen immer pünktlich (oder wenn nicht, sie sagen das an der Fahrplanschild).

Und noch mehr: Man sagt immer „En Guete“ vor essen. Wenn man zu einer Party kommt, er muss immer alle Leute grüßen. Man liest, schreibt, und spricht Hochdeutsch in der Schule und in formal Beruf, aber spricht Schweizerdeutsch mit Freunden, Familie, und in den Supermärkte.

Und das letzte Ding waren die Menschen.

Meine Klasse ist die beste Klasse der ganze FMS, und der ganze Welt. Aber am Anfang... Sie waren freundlich und nett, klar, aber ich habe immer das Gefühl, dass ich nicht wirklich ein Teil von der Klasse war. Dass ich „die Austauschschülerin“ war. Anders.

Aber wirklich, es war hart. Normalerweise bin ich die erste in meiner Klasse und immer in die Mitte meinen Freunden und Freundinnen. Hier... nicht.

Eine Nebeneffekt, der als peinlich, allein am meisten von der Zeit zu sein. Und so war es, so war es für ein oder zwei Monate oder so.

Und dann etwas ist geändert.

Ich weiß nicht was. Vielleicht es war Deutsch, oder Schweizerdeutsch, oder einfach Zeit. Aber jetzt fühle ich mich wie ein Mädchen wer in der Schule geht, ein Mädchen wer in die Schweiz ist, ein Mädchen wer gehört in meiner Klasse. Denke ich, vielleicht jetzt ich beginne zu gehören.J

Und vielleicht beginne ich zu gehören. Hier.

Und raten Sie was?

Ich habe mich nie mehr im Bad eingeschlossen.

---

stars

i'm walking home from choir, the same thing i do every thursday. there is music singing in my head, notes shining like silver on the tip of my tongue. the village is quiet. 

i'm not sure why... maybe it's the lack of light pollution or something... but there are always more stars than i've ever seen in my village. they literally reach past the horizon, which makes the sky somehow seem a lot bigger than it does in the daytime.  

it's dizzying at first, a little frightening to realize that there are so many different giant burning things in the sky. That our sun is so very small, and our earth is so very small, and we ourselves are practically nonexistent in the universe. and really, why do i even matter?
i remember one of my friends saying she didn't like to think about it. it made her feel too tiny.
but at the same time, it is somehow nice to feel tiny. to look up and feel dwarfed by the stars and to know that no matter how awfully you messed up your language today, they will all go on shining. and that what you do doesn't really affect the universe, not at all. 

the sky is deep and black and filled with stars.
and the constellations look different. they are different. they are not the same as they are at home.
the first time i saw the Big Dipper, i almost fell over because it was in a different place. switzerland is almost the same latitude as portland, so i suppose that doesn't make too much sense. but for some reason all the constellations look bigger, or brighter, or lower somehow. they're almost in the right places, but not quite.  

even the constellations, then, are a constant reminder that i am not at home.
that i am not where i know, where i understand.
that i am not in the place where i belong. 

and yet...
some things don't change. the sky is different, and the constellations look different. but the stars are the stars that i have always seen, will always see.
 the biggest visible things in my life, the biggest things in our universe, continue to do what they have always done. the moons orbit around each other, the planets whirl on their axes, the stars burn bright. no matter what, they stay constant. they don't change.

and so i'm walking home from choir, the same thing i do every thursday. there is music singing in my head, notes shining like silver on the tip of my tongue. the village is quiet.
the sky is deep and black and filled with stars.
and the constellations look different. 

but the stars? 

the stars are always the same.

days > 100 -- belonging

piece of advice for future exchange students #16:

exchange is not for the faint of heart. if you want to feel incapable,

alone, and generally awkward 24/7 for three months straight, go on exchange.

but you know what?

it gets better.

Something has changed in the past couple weeks. I'm not sure whether it was my 100 days or if it was the fact that I've been learning Swiss German (sort of) or if it was just a sudden, random shift. But somewhere along the way, I stopped feeling like an exchange student.

That doesn't sound quite right.

What I mean is that I stopped feeling like an outsider. I no longer feel like I'm awkwardly on the edge of conversations. I no longer feel like my classmates and friends have to constantly cater to me and my less-than-perfect language skills. I no longer feel like a visitor.

I feel like a part of the class now. 

And maybe that's not quite right, because I know that my communication skills are handicapped and my grades are about average. But somehow that doesn't matter anymore. I'm not sure why. But I don't feel like "the exchange student". I feel like Hannah.

Hannah, who lives in Switzerland and goes to school and learns German.

Hannah, who is finally beginning to belong.

things that have happened in the past 10-ish days:

• I took school tests. A lot of tests. They were interesting, because I haven't successfully understood a complete test yet... and so lots of times I end up looking at the words I know and guessing at what I think I am supposed to write. It doesn't test my knowledge of the subject as much as it tests my ability to understand what the test says.
• Oh, and I got a 2 on my French test! This is approximately the equivalent of a D... BUT I'm really happy about it because a) the rest of my class averaged about a 3.5, because it was a hard test and b) my class has had 6 years of French already and I had absolutely none before I came here and c) I wasn't allowed to have my phone during class to translate the words in German or in French, so I was conjugating verbs and finishing sentences without a clear idea of what they meant. Hooray for intuitive language skills! :)
• thought: I never thought I'd be so happy about a D. Hmm. The things that change on exchange...
• I received a package from my family! And it had American... THINGS in it! :) I love Switzerland, don't get me wrong, but I do miss the USA a lot. A lot. :/

the end because I am too tired to write anything more.

hannah