Monday, November 10, 2014

this is what it feels like to be home again

this is what it feels like to be home again...
...not really caring about public embarrassment-- being too loud or too crazy or too strange-- ever again. because you speak the language and you understand the culture, and so nothing you do here can ever be more embarrassing than all the stupid things you did THERE. you are now immune to actual public humiliation.
mostly.

this is what it feels like to be home again...
...you probably cry a lot more than is normal. you can't watch movies whenever anyone says goodbye to anyone else. this is both somewhat comforting (everyone thinks you're just crying over the animated character) and embarrassing (because, well, everyone thinks you're just crying over an animated character).

this is what it feels like to be home again...
...being frustratingly unable to communicate your thoughts in a logical fashion. i'm trying, really i am, but i just can't english right now.

this is what it feels like to be home again...
...looking at old pictures and wondering sometimes if the whole entire year was a very elaborate and interesting dream. it feels so far away and separate from your life here.
...putting on a pair of boots and realizing that they've walked streets in paris and rome and venice.

this is what it feels like to be home again...
...sometimes, you don't know who you are. because you were so different on exchange, and you FEEL different now, but people want you to be the person they remember.
and sometimes you are, and sometimes you aren't.

this is what it feels like to be home again...
...recognizing that while some people 
didn't really notice you were gone,
there are some other people who care about you. a lot.
and you don't really know why, 
or how, or exactly when that happened,
only that they do.
...and it makes life easier.

this is what it feels like to be home again...
...leaving one life and then creating a new one.
...having little pieces of that life somehow everywhere, in a lovely and scary way.
...learning to appreciate every moment that you have.