Sunday, July 28, 2013

dreams, doubt, and saying goodbye

just because something is a bloomability does not mean that it comes without its fair share of doubt.

when you sign up for exchange, they tell you about the best things. all the places you'll go. all the sights you'll see. all the friends you'll make. and i think that's true, every word of it, because exchange sounds amazing.

but they never mention what you'll be missing.

because when you sign up for a year, you may not exactly realize that you're going to be gone for, well, a year. there's a lot that can happen in a year, you know. people change, and places change, and friendships change. you gain a lot on your exchange year, but you will also be giving up quite a bit.
the more time i spend with my friends, the more i realize that this is a place where i belong. and that i will be leaving it behind once i leave. and that i will never quite be in this same spot again.

it's odd to think that high school goes so fast. i thought it lasted forever, and here i am, halfway through, doing something i would never have seen myself doing two years ago. it makes me feel very old and very young at the same time.

a few months ago i said goodbye to my normal school friends and classes and activities. there was the usual hugging and exchanging of email addresses and promises to stay in touch.
but it was different this time.
because every time someone said "will i see you next year" the answer wasn't "yes" or "maybe".
the answer was "no".
"no" because i am going on exchange. and at the end of the summer when you are buying notebooks and pencils and folders and stepping onto the bus for school, i will be buying my ticket and stepping onto a plane for another country.

and every time i look at a calendar, i remember:
in less than 10 days, i will be separated from my friends and family and everything that is safe and comfortable.
in less than 10 days i will be flying across the ocean toward my new country, toward my new family, toward my new home.
in less than 10 days, i will be gone.


  1. ah Hannah - you are my soul sister!

    The whole prospect is exciting and exhilarating - but it's also scary as all get out isn't it! You are leaving everything and everyone you know and going to another country...not just another city or another state...another entire country separated from your family, friends, food, culture, language...everything.

    And, for me, I cannot wait to do it but there is a part of me that is wondering "what on God's green earth was/am I thinking?" I'm terrified, I'm a nervous wreck on the inside because I have NO idea what to expect. But there is also a peace that comes from knowing that God is moving and working and doing things I cannot even imagine.

    I know you are going to do SO well in Magden and I am ridiculously excited to get to share the journey with you through your words! I'm praying for you continually, my dear, and know that if you want to chat with someone living it with you - I'm ALWAYS here!

    1. Amy!

      for some reason I thought I'd replied to this, but it's not showing up on the post so I suppose I will post it again :)

      Anyway. Thank you SO MUCH. I'm sometimes worried that I am the only person who feels this way and that maybe a real traveler would be much more confident. But the fact of leaving is still unreal, and the idea of leaving is frightening beyond compare. Thankfully, no matter how I feel about it, I know that God has a plan for what I'm doing and that His perspective is a lot clearer than mine. :)

      You are going to be amazing as well, and I'm so excited for you! Thank you again!


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