this is what it feels like to be home again

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...not really caring about public embarrassment-- being too loud or too crazy or too strange-- ever again. because you speak the language and you understand the culture, and so nothing you do here can ever be more embarrassing than all the stupid things you did THERE. you are now immune to actual public humiliation.

mostly.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...you probably cry a lot more than is normal. you can't watch movies whenever anyone says goodbye to anyone else. this is both somewhat comforting (everyone thinks you're just crying over the animated character) and embarrassing (because, well, everyone thinks you're just crying over an animated character).

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...being frustratingly unable to communicate your thoughts in a logical fashion. i'm trying, really i am, but i just can't english right now.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...looking at old pictures and wondering sometimes if the whole entire year was a very elaborate and interesting dream. it feels so far away and separate from your life here.

...putting on a pair of boots and realizing that they've walked streets in paris and rome and venice.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...sometimes, you don't know who you are. because you were so different on exchange, and you FEEL different now, but people want you to be the person they remember.
and sometimes you are, and sometimes you aren't.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...recognizing that while some people 

didn't really notice you were gone,

there are some other people who care about you. a lot.

and you don't really know why, 

or how, or exactly when that happened,

only that they do.

...and it makes life easier.

this is what it feels like to be home again...

...leaving one life and then creating a new one.

...having little pieces of that life somehow everywhere, in a lovely and scary way.

...learning to appreciate every moment that you have.

questions i've been asked recently, part iii: what i say and what i mean

How was your trip?
what i say: "it was great!"
what i mean: "it was not a trip. it was home. it was my life for an entire year. it was not a trip. why are you saying it's a trip."
"oh wait, i'm probably overreacting to this."
"i'm sorry."
"well, anyway, it was fantastic."

Do you miss Switzerland?
what i say: "yes. so much."
(and then i laugh and change the subject.)
what i mean: "there are no words to describe it. there aren't. and i miss it and i don't want to miss it because it hurts so much and so i'm dealing with this by not talking about it so let's not talk about it."
"except i do. want to talk about it, i mean."
"i just, i'm not sure if you're okay with me melting into a puddle right here."

tell me something about your exchange year!
what i say: (laughing) "gosh, where to start... what do you want to know about?"
what i mean: "ahhhhh you are amazing."
"wait. do you actually want to hear all this?"
"are you sure?"
"are you really really sure?"
 "...and do you have seven hours to spend listening to me ramble?"

why didn't you respond to my emails/letters/texts?
what i say: "um."
what i mean: "gahhhhhh I AM SO SORRY. seriously, i am the worst long-distance communicator in the history of ever. this does not mean that you don't matter-- on the contrary, it means that you matter very much (because i'm talking to you now) and that once again i've proven my ability to lose contact with multiple people in a very short time. i'm really, really sorry and i love you very much. let's have a conversation right now."

I speak German too!
what i say: "that's awesome! where did you learn it?"
what i mean: "you are now my new favorite person. can we go talk in a corner? or actually can you just speak german to me for the next three days because i miss the sound of this language so much and i'm super afraid of losing it forever and i'm resorting to children's cartoons on youtube JUST so i can hear german again..."

::sighs:: ah, Switzerland. the most beautiful place in the world, isn't it?
what i say: "yes."
"yes it is."
what i mean: "yes."
"yes it is."

days > 170 -- stalling

piece of advice for exchange students #21:

work with what you've got. ;)

the change of families and villages has practically given me a different life now... i spend my time way differently. one rule that my mum has is that i can't travel outside of the Basel region during the week. Which, considering that i'm used to traveling as much as possible, was (and is) a bit of a struggle for me.

but at the same time, there are multiple things i've learned:

a) if you aren't picky, there's a surprisingly large amount of things you can do to keep yourself occupied in one city.

b) also, sometimes friends are wonderful and upon hearing that you can't go visit them, they will come and visit you. it's a nice feeling to have someone take an hour-long train ride just to come hang out.

c) when your travel days are limited to weekends (and only one day per weekend) and you plan extremely carefully, there's a surprising amount of things that fit into one day.

d) make the most of your days.

because really, they all count. and who knows what the next city or family or life change will look like

things i've done in the past 10ish days:

• basel has all these little skits/shows/performances that go before their carnival (fasnacht... look it up!) it was surprisingly fun and i was thrilled to find that i understood a lot of it... especially considering that it was all in the strongest baseldeutsch i've ever heard. ever.
• i went to a snow white ballet. that was lovely.
• also thank goodness that ballets don't have words because i think i would have trouble understanding a baseldeutsch ballet
• i went and saw the international balloon festival in the french part of switzerland! it was gorgeous and we ended up accidentally meeting about 30 different exchange students i'd never seen before. that was fun.
• I saw Frozen with my (old host family) little sister, and I also got to see my old host family again. i miss them a lot, more than i'd thought i would. it was nice!
• Frozen is, by the way, pretty awesome.
• also the newbies came.
• ahhh newbies i'm so excited :)

that's all for now... i did some other things last week, but they'll come in the next update because technically i did them in the 170+ days of my exchange :P

lg

hannah

days > 140 -- missing

 piece of advice for future exchange students #18:

most august exchange students say that 
the time between christmas and new year is the 

hardest time of the year after arrival.

work overtime to make sure that that's not true for you.

trust me.

so during the first few days of winter vacation... to be honest, i missed home. i still miss it, because at this time of year i'm so used to being with friends and family. i'm used to traditions and songs and parties and everything. and this time it is not there. and that was hard.
but then i ended up filling my days with stuff. it didn't have to be good or even deeply meaningful stuff as long as it was fun, non-dangerous, and made memories... and kept me from feeling homesick.
and guess what?
somewhere in the middle of all of that, i got my priorities straight.
YES, i am missing major holiday time.
YES, i am missing family and friends.
YES, i am missing traditions and events and parties.
but you know what? I am in SWITZERLAND. and it is amazing.
and i have been blessed beyond all reason, to have so much from home that i can miss. and furthermore, all these things i am missing will still exist when i come back.
so i should enjoy the moment now.

things i've done in the past 20ish days --

• Christmas! Obviously...
• multiple christmas dinners and parties and celebrations and gatherings. there was a dinner with my mom's side of the family and then with my dad's side of the family and then with multiple friends and then just a quiet celebration for
  us only.
• Christmas market in Biel with my friend Faith! it was very cold.
• Zurich with Sarah, who's currently on exchange there... we had tons of fun. it was also extremely cold. everywhere is cold.
• Elsass (Alsace) Marche de Noel (which I didn't write correctly because I don't have French on my computer, but oh well). in other words, my host family took me to France!!!
• I also learned that French people don't eat dinner until 7 or later. This means that for all the punctual Swiss people who wish to eat their dinner at 6 or 6:30, eating in a restaurant is practically impossible because the restaurants are not yet open at 6. The chefs are still at home.
• I went sledding in the alps!!*
• I spent time with my new counselor, who also happens to be a nice counselor with a family that reminds me of my own, haha. In a good way.
• I went sledding in the alps AGAIN!!!
• We have Christmas Ferien (vacation) which means no school. Consequently, I've had the opportunity to train hop to my little heart's content. Hooray for European rail passes!
• watched a movie called "Schwarzen Brüder" in which the story is set in Tessin, Switzerland. all the movies I've seen in cinemas so far are always in German, which makes me proud of myself... :P
• I wrote a record amount of blog posts in my twelve days of Christmas. even if, you know, they didn't exactly coincide with the  twelve days of Christmas.
• I received mail! Yay!
• And when I tried to reply to it, I realized to my chagrin that the post office is closed on weekends (well, on Sunday, and then only open in the mornings in Magden on Saturday) and also closed on all the days that I could actually get there because of Christmas and New Year's. lovely.
• I skyped my family on Christmas!!! and I miss them.
• in fact, I miss everyone.
• but I will see them all again. And I am enjoying life here.

*this actually isn't as silly to celebrate as you might think it is. sledding here is hardcore... adults do it too!!
you go up with the gondolas and ride down the mountain on a course, rather like a ski course but on a smaller level. there are hills and jumps and hairpin turns and everything. it's very exciting. :))

bis später,
Hannah

on the eighth day of christmas

on the eighth day of christmas

 my exchange gave to me
swiss weihnachtsmarkte
seven for a family
six lovely months
five languages

four advent days

three families

two traditions

and a new look at bloomability

i'm eschewing the numbers now in favor of simply getting my posts out there...

christmas markets are one of the things that we absolutely-do-not-have in America. We have Christmas bazaars, yes, which are sort of related, but the atmosphere of a Christmas market is (as I've found) quite different. most of the time they are in the heart of the city, with trees and lights and all sorts of food/drink/handcraft/ornaments that you can imagine.

I've visited tons of christmas markets in the past couple weeks, so many that it's become rather a joke to my host family (they're swiss, so they don't understand why christmas markets are such a big deal to me). but really, I don't go to buy stuff or to eat things or even just to do something. 

i go because for me, the markets somehow hold the memory of holidays.

because for me, the atmosphere somehow reminds me of home.

because, in the middle of people and stalls and noise and light and color, i can find a bit of christmas.