note to self: do not miss the bus

I missed it today by one minute, which is why I'm now sitting at the bus stop writing this. Swiss buses are always -- always -- on time, meaning that they leave one minute or less after they arrive and if you're 30 seconds too late the bus will have cheerfully departed without you on it.
I would like to say that I immediately resolved to be on time for everything and never to miss anything in my schedule ever again. 

I didn't. 

Instead, after 3 minutes of hoping against hope that the bus was late and 2 minutes of inspecting the bus schedule to verify that the next bus was, indeed, 29 minutes later, I sat down and began to complain. Not out loud, mind you. It was in my head -- and what a lot of complaining I did! In 15 minutes I had blamed the bus, my village, the time on my cell phone, the class time change, the day, my shoes, my alarm clock, and the transit system in general. I'm very efficient that way.

And then I realized. 

You see, in Rotary the consistent thing they tell you is that it's your exchange. Yours and nobody else's.
And many times before today, I'd appreciated that the buses came and left on time, that there was always a connection, that I never had to doubt the train system or the consistency of the bus. And so, if I miss the bus, it's my own responsibility, my own fault.  

Mine and nobody else's.  

And as I stepped onto the bus and sat down, I realized just how ridiculously selfish I was being. Everything that I was complaining about was a gift: the class, the teacher, my cell phone, my village, the day, the GA for the transit system, and way more. And all of those were a part of one big undeserved gift -- the fact that I was on exchange. In Switzerland, no less. 

 ...

And so that's what I've been telling myself today. That every day is a discovery, that every hour is a gift, because I am in SWITZERLAND, on my foreign exchange. 

Mine, 

and nobody else's.

saying goodbye

i promised myself i wouldn't cry.

and i didn't. i didn't cry at the end of school. i didn't cry at my goodbye party. i didn't cry when all my bags were packed, or when we left the house, or during the car ride.

except then i said goodbye to my family, and that promise basically flew out the window.

it was hard to say goodbye to my grandparents and my aunt and my parents and my sisters and my little brother. still, they know that i will only be gone for a year.

but how do you explain exchange to a two-year-old?

my littlest sister doesn't know that i'm leaving for a year. she can't comprehend that i will be in another country. she doesn't understand that when i leave, i will be living on the other side of the world.

and so i look at her and tell her the things i know to be true.
"hannah is going
 far away,
and you will not see her
for a long, long time.
but you know what?
hannah loves you,
and she's coming back."

"i'm coming back."

days < 10 -- farewelling

piece of advice for future exchange students #6:

say goodbye to people you know whenever you see them. because you never know when you might be leaving, and you will not be coming home for a year.

note: for those of you who may have missed it, I now have a new countdown timer (note that this one counts down to when I will be in Switzerland, not when I will depart the US).

this past weekend, I said goodbye to a group of my friends. It was fun, and encouraging, and delicious (nutella for the win :P) and for the first half of the party I just enjoyed seeing everyone and talking and laughing.

and then about halfway through, I realized that this was possibly the last time I'd be seeing most of them... at least for a year.

that after I left, life would continue. 

that when I come back, people would be different. 

that they would have seen things and made memories and grown up a little bit more. 

and I knew all that, in the back of my mind, but somehow the party triggered my realization of it. 

which made saying goodbye harder.

but you know what?

when I finally leave, life will continue.

after I come back, I will be different.

I will have seen things and made memories and grown up a little bit more.

and that is the reason that I am leaving, and that is the reason I am saying goodbye, and I knew all that in the back of my mind but somehow the goodbyes triggered my realization of it.

which made saying goodbye--easier. for some reason.

things that have happened in the past 10 days:

• the advantage of having a party is that you get to see all your friends. so I saw my friends and said goodbye and it was bittersweet.
• and yet good.
• I'm packed! (well, mostly.) hooray!
• in the past couple weeks, I've gotten to know this amazing girl named Sarah who's also an outbound to Switzerland. our conversations make me more excited to go :)
• I'm really too tired to list anything else. 
• goodnight.